i'm hooked

alright, let's face the facts. The odds of Sarah Palin being able to handle the vice presidency position are much better than the odds of me ever posting things i've written (i.e. poetry) on this blog. However, I did learn about this website, wordle.net the other day. Thanks to Holly Staples, go figure. haha. Anyway. I am now obsessed with converting all my poems into "wordles"... the fonts, the colors, the graphics... this is going to take away the possibility of me ever being productive again... I wish I were kidding... So, enjoy my jubbled poems...

ohhh fun

I need a "seminar"

Once again, I have logged onto the blogger page with the intentions of writing some thought provoking, prolific post... and yet again... I am coming up blank. How can something that once came so easily to me, now leave me completely stumped>

Is it possible to fully describe a feeling> I suppose there are some feelings that you can put words to, or at least you see people that try to. Fall is my favorite season, as I have stated about a million times before, but I have trouble explaining the specific reasons behind all of it. The other day I was out taking a walk and there was something in the combination of the colors of the leaves on a specific tree, the temperature, the slight breeze in the air, and the smell that instantly flooded my mind with memories. It was not one thing in particular, but more so the combination that seemed to trigger all of my senses at once. And this is where I lose any ability to explain what happens... there is a feeling of happiness, a feeling of peacefulness, a feeling of motivation, and a feeling of cleanliness. But, at the same exact time there is a feeling of loneliness, sadness, fear, and (for lack of a better word) misguided motivation.

That doesn't make much sense to people and as I have said already, it is nearly impossible for me to explain as well. But, for as much as I love the fall, it is also a time that brings back a lot of painful memories for me from over the years. All of those things that trigger the positive feelings associated with fall, trigger the difficult as well. I guess what amazes me is how these feelings and thoughts are triggered by something so small and insignificant, you would hardly know it was there. Like a breeze. Or the contrast in the color of the budding orange leaves against the crisp blue sky. That was all it took to put me back to a specific moment in time. Or, moments in time to be more accurate. I have heard many times that smell has the strongest connection to memory. The first time I heard that, I immediately wanted to argue that it was not and that obviously sight or hearing had to be the strongest connector. But, I'm not so sure anymore. Have you ever had that experience where you smell something and you are immediately transported somewhere else> I remember one time in the 8th grade I went to wash my face with my mother's new "fancy" face wash. I unscrewed the bottle and the smell instantly shook me. To me, it was the exact smell of the funeral home we had used a year earlier when my Grandfather had died. There is also a perfume that is so distinct that when I smell it, I am flooded with memories of a certain person. So much so, that for awhile, if I was ever near anyone in public with it on, I had to make a quick exit. You could debate for hours which of the 5 senses connects you most to memories... But, a few weeks ago I seemed to get hit with all 5 of them at once. And what a sensation that is... for better or for worse, who's for sure.

I just finished reading a book that was extremely intense. It was a co-written memoir (mother and daughter) that dealt with the teenagers drug addiction as well as sexual abuse that she struggled with as a child. (Yes, it was a real light- uplifting read) A large part of the book dealt with "inner growth" of both the mother and the daughter during this process of recovery. They both had to attend seminars that got them in touch with who they "really are" and face the lies they constantly told themselves and believed. After reading about the strenuous and emotional "seminars", all I could think of was, "I totally want to do that!"

It sounds like just what I need right now. There was no beating around the bush at these seminars. For each rationalization someone would give for their "behavior" or "personality trait", it was thrown right back at them. Not that I think being picked apart would be extremely fun, but I think it would be an eye opening experience. In the past I have definitely had people straight shoot with me and my usual response is to either completely shut down, get upset- therefore causing them to ease up, or argue everything they were saying and convince myself that I was right and they were wrong. Looking back, they were all right, I just didn't want to accept that they were. The leaders of these seminars didn't back down when someone got upset or felt like they had been pushed to hard. That was usually when they got even more intense.

Why do I want to do this> I'm not sure. Maybe I am mildly driven by intense drama!> haha. No, I think the desire comes from the fact that I have been feeling so disconnected and stagnant in my life. I know for a fact that I tell myself pretty damn good lies. They are so believable! But, how much can that be helping me. I want someone, who knows what they are doing, haha, to look at me and challenge me. I want to resort to my old ways and have someone call me out on that too. The amount of my personal life that I share with people is so little, especially verbally, that sometimes I just feel like I have created this little one-person world think tank. The more I am thinking or feeling, the less I will share. I know that isn't the most efficient way of going through life and it gets lonely. But, learning to reverse years and years of functioning is difficult... and I am always looking for an excuse... so c'mon, send me to some sort of seminar and let someone read my flaws and tendencies and then confront me with them. Some sort of self-discovery sounds appealing right now.

On a happy note, my favorite "fall" Yankee candle is burning and that makes me extremely happy. "Autumn leaves". I love the label. I love the color of the candle. And i loooove the smell. Ahh. Yankee candle makes my world a better place.

Speaking of... one more comment. Has anyone come across the info-mercial for the "back saver, cordless, up-right Shark" vacuum cleaner> I really think I need to get that. Who knew that vacuums could be one of the most exciting things ever! My cordless hand held shark changed my world... I can't imagine what this new one would do... It sucks up metal screws and bolts!

Yep. I think some inner soul searching is need...

is it vacation yet>

Well, school is back into full swing. Yippee-do-dah. *note sarcasm* So, I am wondering when the next vacation is... It can't come soon enough!

In terms of excitement, there is none in my life. Just getting back into the daily grind... however, looking on the bright side, we are entering my favorite season! Fall. I love fall... there is just something in the air in the fall that makes me excited. Maybe it is the anticipation of "Perfect Pumpkin Picking Day" (yes, that is the official title given to the day), which is my favorite day of the year. Each year I go through the same disappointing realization that there is no such thing as the "perfect pumpkin". But, that is ok... once I start with my caramel apple, I usually forget about the pumpkin anyway! haha. This year will be a little different for me, a change of tradition, which for any of you that know me well, would know frightens me. I am big on traditions. I had panic attacks when my sister had to go on with her life and get married, therefore changing holiday arrangements. I can't even go into the Christmas fiasco of '07... I still need counseling for those changes. So, here we are on my most sacred day of the year... and it has to change. Since I was young, my sister, mother and I would go to Arena Farms in Concord to climb on the pumpkins, completely disregarding the sign that clearly stated "Please do not climb on the pumpkins". Last year as if God was answering my secret prayers, my sister asked if Tim and I would like to jump in on their pumpkin day (also at Arena Farms) so that we could see Maddy picking her pumpkin. Hello, dream come true. Unfortunately, Arena Farms is no longer standing. We are left to move on from our traditional pile of pumpkins. Time to branch out and experience what some other farms have to offer. Sure, I have been to some of the different places in the past, but always went back to that pumpkin pile. That pile would have me squealing with joy in the car as soon as I spotted it... Page has some ideas as to where we'll go this year... and it will be great... But, those piles of pumpkins will never be forgotten. I am hopeful, however, that the new place does not have chickens running rampant. That was a major downfall of Arena Farms. It was like they tracked me and plotted against me... blocking access to the trash can when covered in caramel. They always walk just a little too close to me which sets the panic in... damn birds... always ruin a good day!

Let's see... Oh, I am anticipating a lot of excitement and drama in my family as my two cousins are pregnant and due within 3 weeks of each other. These two cousins are the most driven, competitive people I know...and that is mainly with each other. This should be awesome! Im will to bet the one that is 3 weeks behind will somehow will her body into delivering early just to beat her sister on the birth. So great. haha. But really, it is very exciting. Both of them were able to tell my grandmother that they were expecting before she passed away. I am so happy they were able to have that memory with her. I have to admit, my first reaction to hearing they both told her was to cry. Not that Tim and I are wanting to have children right now, but, I felt a sense of sadness of being the only granddaughter to not have that experience with her. I remember the look on her face when my sister told us and then when she met Madeline, and I was truly hoping I'd be able to share that with her as well. I wouldn't say I'm jealous, it just made me feel really sad. It was just another reminder of how much I miss my grandmother.

A few days before the news, I had a really difficult dream in which I was dancing with her at a family party and I was spinning her in circles (she has always loved to dance, especially square dancing, and since i know how to do it, we used to dance out some of the steps and she would be so happy). In the dream, my dad told us to stop because my grandmother was too weak... to this she responded with something hilariously sarcastic about letting her have her fun. Then she just dropped. I held on so she wouldn't hit the floor, but she was gone. It felt so real. I felt her pulse stop and i was just struggling to hold on to her and thinking of the huge smile she had just had on her face. My father just kept saying to me, "Remember that smile on her face and feel comfort that she was so happy at the moment she died." The dream freaked me out because it felt so real. My cousin also had a very strange dream after my grandmother died. It is a long story, but she had complications with her pregnancy and had to go to the emergency room in NH. The doctors at the ER told her that she had miscarried. (this was while she was home for the services, she lives in Florida). After she had gone back to Florida, she went in right away to see her ob-gyn. The night before her appointment she had a dream that my grandmother walked up to her and put her hands on her stomach and told her everything would be ok. My cousin went to the doctors and she was told that she hadn't miscarried, she was misdiagnosed in NH. Crazy.

So, I guess that is all. The dream in combination with feeling "left out" (for lack of a better word) with being able to share something so special and exciting with my grandmother has been a little difficult... but it will ease in time. Its the little things that make the grieving harder as time goes on. In the beginning its natural and expected. But now, I keep thinking I should be over it by now. Talking to my cousin helped because she feels the same way, like we forget that she is gone. I keep thinking, "oh, I have to call Mamae"... Having two additional babies coming into the family will be so nice at the holidays. It is a great distraction and a source of genuine happiness.

Sorry for the dramatic post today...

To all my teacher friends, hope the school year is off to an alright start. I can't wait to catch up with you Melrose deserters to hear about life in other districts. I really wish you guys were able to witness the new librarian. I will take more pictures of the RC decorations. Apparently she has them for every season. Yippeee. She also loves groups hugs. Poor Marie Burke got stuck in two of them on Friday. It is a freak show in there... in other words, entirely entertaining! I look forward to what strange occurrences will take place in that library every day!

Yippeeeeeee for fall!!!!!!

25 Things.

I have seen this on a few different blogs and thought it might be fun... Maybe you'll learn something new about me ;)

1. I am obsessed with my niece... which works out well because we share a co-obsessiveness. I call her an enabler... How can I not be obsessed when she stands at her door and points at her neighbors red car, thinking its mine, and yells "RuRu!!!" at the top of her lungs. RuRu is my nickname... I dont think my sister was kidding when she said she was going to get an electronic fence around the yard of her new house. haha
2. I like even numbers better than odds, unless it is for something along the lines of a list, then it must end in a 0 or 5.
3. I have horrible depth perception in the car. I constantly hit curbs when parallel parking or taking right turns. My poor hubcabs.
4. If I could be a vegetarian, I would be. I am unable to give up chicken though. The longest I made it was two weeks and then my mom made chicken fajitas. Oops.
5. I can't touch glass that has just been washed. It has a squeaky feeling that gives me the chills. I hate it.
6. Along the line of glasses, when I take one out of the cabinet, I have to blow in it. Once when I was little I felt the need to take the glass on the top of the shelf in the very corner and there was a bug in it. It freaked me out, so I blow in them every time.
7. I don't (or very, very rarely) walk on floors without my socks on. It skeeves me out.
8. I can't step on a bathmat when I get out of the shower with wet feet. I always step out onto my towel and then into my slippers or flip flops. It doesnt matter where I am, I can't do it.
9. I sleep in socks. I hate not having my feet covered. Hmm, I never realized all these weird things with my feet. It's been since I was little... when apparently I used to stop what I was doing and claim "sock emergency". That was when my socks got bunched or slipped in my shoe. I still hate that.
10. When I was in elementary school I made posters about littering and hung them up around the school. I can't remember for the life of me what they said right now, but my mom remembered one and when she told me it recently... I was horrified. I was such a nerd.
11. I love doing crossword puzzles even though I suck at them
12. My grammar is horrible. Im embarrassed with each post at the mistakes I make. I'm sure it drives some of you crazy... Especially Gerard and his sister. haha. I read your posts about grammar errors and was like, "oh geez, they must have ulcers after reading my crap!"
13. Apparently if it was as common to label a child with A.D.D. in the 80's as it is now, my mom is certain I would have landed myself a diagnoses back then, as opposed to now. haha. She informed me that among many other embarrassing things I did, that I would fidget so spastically that I would literally fall off my chair. Good lord, I was a spaz.
14. I got a ring stuck in my front teeth when I was about 8 years old. Seemed like a good idea to put the ring in my mouth at the time. Guess not.
15. I came in 3rd, or shot, was it 4th, in the state foul shooting contest when I was in the 8th grade.
16. I am obsessive. My obsessions are extremely varied but range from thoughts, to foods, to objects. To name a few from my past, bagels, lip stick, my bag, sitting at a particular table in the library to study for finals one year, working out, reading, knitting, butterspray, thinking I was going to get hit by another car while I was driving, thinking my house was on fire, thinking a plane or helicopter is going to hit my house, sneakers, being among the first 5 cars at the gym on Saturday mornings, grades, studying, particular grades on things ... it goes on from there. haha. I wont scare you with the rest though.
17. When I was younger I had a teddy bear named "Bunny" (she liked to hop) and wanted to name my home-made cabbage patch kid "Rainbow of my Heart". Either my mom or sister told me that wasn't a name, so I changed it to "Willamina". I was seriously a strange kid. The fact that I had a home-made cabbage patch kid is strange as well. haha
18. I love the rain.
19. I would rather stay home than go out at night.
20. I was a cuddle maniac as a kid
21. I won a coloring contest when I was in preschool. It was one of those where you colored the picture on a paper bag from the grocery store. The day i got it, I went right home and started coloring. My hand started to cramp so I put on mittens and colored until it was done and then made my mom bring me back to the store to turn it in. I guess the obsessiveness started then. haha. We got family tickets to Disney on Ice and as soon as the magic mirror from snow white came out, i was scared shitless and tried to crawl down the row of seats.
22. I have a wild imagination and always believe someone is in my house or trying to break into my house.
23. One of my goals is to be more spontaneous. It isn't going so well.
24. This is my lucky number.
25. I love watching cheezy movies with a glass of wine in my baggy sweat pants. That is my ideal afternoon... and of course it would be raining.

road rage. don't you dare beed at ME!

I just got beeped at, honked at, whatever you would like to call it. The instant someone honks at me, I become livid. It is like, "how dare you honk your horn at me! I do nothing wrong in the car!" Ok, obviously that is not true... but being someone with little (or no) patience, I am not one to hold up a line of cars on purpose. Trust me. I see why road rage happens. I often find myself having to talk myself down or rationalizing why it isn't a good idea to try and ride someone's bumper because they deserve it. I should have a bumper sticker like this avatar, "Don't honk at crazy people"...

I realize that, while the jerky drivers surrounding us are enough to get the mildest tempered person agitated, the real issue here is my temper. I know this. I recognize it. And sometimes, I even try to work on it. Those are most of the steps right there, isn't it> I would not rank my temper as a characteristic I am proud of and most of the time, I think it is childish. Take for example last weekend when I was playing tennis with Tim... my anger outlash brought me to a new level of racquet destruction. Over the years of playing tennis I have been known to get alittle "frustrated" and in response, maybe smack my racquet on the ground. No biggie. Usually the cover guard on the top gets busted, but I can just cover it with some tape-stuff. The other day, however, my temper tantrum (really, that is what it was) came on quickly but with full intensity. There was barely an inbetween... After what was probably my 30th ball into the net, I felt that surge of anger. The one where I just don't even know how to get it out... before I know it, I smash the racquet on the court. I heard a noise I was not familiar with and I thought it sounded funny, but it wasn't until my next stroke that I realized, I had cracked the frame. Way to go Lauren...

That's usually what happens when you have a temper tantrum... you react without thinking and then regret the action.

I have gotten a little bit better over the years of controlling these temper outbursts. In fact, some of you may be thinking, "what temper>" I tend to come off as pretty laid back... which, part of me is, I guess... but it's more that the temper isn't a quality I like to let shine through.

While I am addressing some not-so positive attributes, there is one more thing I would like to mention. My knees. I need spanx for my knees, seriously. They look like an 85 year olds droopy elbows. They have quickly risen on my list of preoccupation. I'll be happily enjoying a tv show and then, there they are, the droopy, squishy, knee rolls. When I am out walking, they kind of, wiggle or jiggle. I know spend 70% of my walk dissecting them (the other 30% staring in Simon's eyes...yes, we tend to walk looking into each other's eyes... haha). Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I couldn't stop thinking about these knee caps of mine and what on earth I could do about them. I think I need a procedure, a modified eye-lift type of deal. Or, I would have to really bulk out my quads, especially the vastus medialis (the inner quad muscle that connects down to the top\side of the knee cap... in other words, the exact location of my 85 year old elbow).

A few months ago, a good friend of mine (and probably my only avid blog reader, haha) commented on having a "fat knee" day. At first, I internally scoffed at this. First, due to the fact that this person is pretty much absent of any body fat what-so-ever, so I thought, how on earth could she have a 'fat knee day' (and yes, i realize that everyone can have days that they feel "fat" or uncomfortable regardless of their size ;) and secondly because i thought, "fat knee day>" what is that... Then I realized, Oh my gosh... this is a term for the loathing I feel of my own knees. I just never realized it could be termed. haha. Just for clarification, her comment did not contribute to my own preoccupation with my knees... it just made me feel like, "hey, other people feel bad about their knees too!" haha. Being a woman, you tend to hear a lot of other women complain about body parts, but usually its hips, legs, stomach, etc... But, knees, not so much. So, i guess hearing it was just... strange... but at the same time something I related to. One more thought, complaint, whine.... I didn't think knees were supposed to get droopy before 30. I feel like by the time I am over 40 I will need to have a little device that holds my knee cap skin up so that it doesn't impede my walking!!!

I hope some of you enjoyed the Love my Doll documentary. I do want to clarify that I was disturbed by the show, but I found it to be so funny, I couldn't get enough. My sister watched five minutes and then called to tell me that both Tim and I are strange and disturbed. I had to disagree. Maybe if I had thought, "Oh, finally, these people understand me!", then I'd be disturbed. haha. But, i had to recommend it for the laugh. It is beyond creepy... which makes me love it that much more. haha.

Anyway. So today's lessons:

1. If you are driving anywhere near me, do not beep at me because I will try to run you off the road! haha...

2. If you dare to play tennis with me, be ready for some really childish behavior, lots of swearing, lots of self-deprecating comments, and I guess entertainment because I look like a tool

3. Spanx needs to develop a special "knee cap" edition to keep those babies tucked and lifted

4. I still think the Doll documentary was the funniest thing ever... in all its horror

i hope he won...

love me. love my doll.

i don't even know where to begin with this... all i can say is if you have on demand... YOU NEED TO GET ON IT!!!! I promise you, you will not be disappointed. go to TV entertainment... then to BBC Reveals...then, love me, love my doll.

there are no words to explain this... well, maybe, "my sweetie is going to be away for some time..." his sweetie, made of latex, is going to a "doll doctor" 5,000 miles away. "when she returns, this will be like a second honeymoon".

This documentary is blowing me away. Tim and I are both open minded, but this has seemed to go beyond the realm of comprehension. I find my myself busting out in laughter... and then feel guilty. I can't help but look at these people and think, "how sad" or "what happened to them that was so bad, that their only love comes from a doll." After the guilt subsides though, I can't get past some of these quotes from the men being interviewed.

I think that tonight, I officially heard Tim laugh the loudest I have ever heard... maybe it was when they had the nipples of the doll blurred out... or maybe it was when one of the men (shown below pouring coffee to his woman) posed on the self timer with his two ladies... there have been too many times to count. Really, you need to see this with your own eyes... http://www.bbcamerica.com/content/245/index.jsp

oh boy, i hope their hair comes out right, i'd hate to get their wrath!