filters and awkwardness

I do most of my thinking at night as I am trying to fall asleep... which would explain why for years I had such a hard time falling asleep! It always amazes me the way in which words come so easily to me during those minutes (or hours depending on the night!). A lot of times I think about "potential blog topics". I also like to "write" poems. I wish I had an internal word memorizer so that I could wake up and see my words printed out... but unfortunately, it is quite the opposite. I can never remember what I came up with the night before.

I figure the reason it is so easy for me to "write" in the comfort of my mind is because I know that no one will ever read it. It is safe. There are no filters, no awkwardness. I wish I could tap into those thoughts and words at times like this, but I can't. Its as if they get locked away.

Social situations have never been my strong point. As I have gotten older, they seem to be getting more difficult. I am overly aware of my poor vocabulary, the amount of times I accidentally cut someone off mid-sentence, the way I am standing or sitting, the expression on my face, and of course the randomness that tends to tumble out of my mouth. This awareness just makes it all harder. I feel as if I must plan out the words that come out of my mouth... all of them. Everything is filtered. Maybe I need practice. To stop all the thinking and just start talking. What is the worst that could happen. I talk alot, don't get me wrong, but when it comes to something with my own opinion or that is something that comes from a personal connection, I lost the ability to communicate. I have always relied on words, writing, to express myself, my true self. And I feel as though I am losing that as well...

Anyway. I found one of these little fill in the blank do-dads. I like to make my kids at school do these types of things :)



I am a person who...

I am a person who would rather sit on my couch in my favorite sweats, with a glass of wine, a good book, candles and my dog than go out to a busy bar.

I am a person that takes things too personally, loves to laugh, and is on a continuous search for the grey areas in life (that darn black and white thinking)

I am a person who does not use coupons (though I cut them out), clean or organize enough, go out of my comfort zone.

I am a person that is bad at at expressing myself, addressing things that need to be addressed, trusting other people, taking corners in my car, saving money

I am a person that has learned the hard way that no matter how much someone believes in a promise they make- they may not hold it, you can love someone or something too much, at sometime everyone you care about will let you down- and you will let them down as well, that there are things you cannot handle by yourself

I am a person that is genuinely happy when I am with my niece, walking with my dog, experiencing the simple things in life that make me smile (seeing a cute older person, people laughing together, etc)

I am a person that is afraid of too many things! haha. If you only knew!

I am a person that believes there is good in nearly all people, even if you don't see it right away; That there are somethings that we will never understand and that is for a reason; That most of the things you will do in your life that truly make a difference- you won't even realize- but someone did.