"i got it"... "i got it too"

The title of this post won't make sense unless you are a part of my family. This is how every phone conversation with my grandmother, Mamae, ends. It has ended this way for as long as I can ever remember. Even last night as I hung up with her and she was too weak to even talk, she sent her kisses through the phone and "i got it" and I sent them back... and she "got it too". Although, in the past year or so, she has added in, "love you forever and ever..."


Since we found out a few months ago that Mamae has terminal cancer I have been trying to deal with the reality of what it all means. Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I had a mental picture of Mamae sitting in her usual "spot" on my Aunt's couch for family holidays, then i tried to picture that spot empty. It is hard to even imagine a gathering without her. She has kept our family together. Her love for her family is something I treasure about her. She never holds in her love. One of her favorite things to talk about, like most proud grandparents, is the love of their grandchildren and family. But, Mamae always includes everyone in our lives. The people we love, she loves. In fact, sometimes I really worry that she is trying to steal Tim away from me! I am not the most outwardly emotional person, though my internal dialogue is beyond dramatic, but when Mamae talks about how much she wishes my grandfather could be around to see his family and how proud he would be of us and the mates we have chosen, it makes my eyes tear.


Over the past week especially Mamae has taken a turn for the worse. Tim and I brought her some McDonalds last week in an unsuccessful attempt to make her eat... My parents are on vacation in California, so I have been trying to step up the contact with her. I called her last night, after not talking to her for 2 days and felt instant panic when I heard her voice on the phone. It was not Mamae. A few years ago, my parents were on a short trip to Maine and Mamae had not been feeling well. I was running late on my way down to RI for a little girls college reunion... and I went back and forth on whether or not I should stop by her house. I decided I should... and thank god I did. I walked into something I will never forget... To make a long story short I ended up taking Mamae to the hospital where she had 2 more heart attacks. I remember my parents convincing me a few days later to meet up with my friends for a little bit... but realized as I was saying goodbye to Mamae it would be the last time. Well, I should've known better, that little firecracker wasn't just going to go lightly. Miraculously, she recovered.


Talking to her last night, put me RIGHT back to that humid, dreary summer day years ago when I was sure I walked in on my grandmothers last moments. However, this time, unlike the past her miraculous recovery is not expected. I am waiting now by the phone for my aunt to call to let me know they are on the way to the hospital. My grandmother lives in an old age home, I think. haha. Im not exactly sure what it is... I tell her its like living in a college dorm. :) There is no medical assistance, its really just an apartment. But, the hospice nurses have been going there to check in on her. But, not after today. After I hung up with her last night, she went downhill even more so. Her hospice nurse was due to visit this morning and immediately called my parents and said they needed to get her to the hospital today. So, I am sitting here, waiting to help my aunt with all of this. I'm not ready to let go of her. As selfish as it sounds and as much as I can say, "she is old and has lived a good life"... I can't accept that.


I realize that every day people die before their time and that my grandmother is fortunate to have lived a long life... but, she is such a special woman. If you meet her, you love her. She has a sense of humor like no other. It is impossible to imagine my life without her... to think of not ending a phone call with "i got it"... "I got it too... I love you forever and ever...and Timmy too"