my "most helpful" ranking just dropped even lower! that's depressing!
If you are fortunate enough to have tomorrow off... Enjoy!
11.10.2008
11.04.2008
really, lauren>>> Time for a backbone.
i really wish my question mark key worked... I needed to put some question marks after that post title.
My other example for today is coming from the confrontation I just had with my land lord. My sister just bought a house near by and has been having a lot of construction done, so in the mean time she has been watching her 2 friends children out of my apartment. I did tell my land lord in the beginning, but didn't give weekly updates. Their construction in their house has taken a lot longer than they had anticipated, lucky them getting to live in my sister's childhood room (all three of them in one tiny room) and be entertained my manhattan drinking father. So, today my landlord was here raking some leaves... My sister had the babies, there are 3 total including her own and she has another one of her friends helping her out. One baby in not of walking age and the other one literally sleeps ALL day (its unreal!). Not to mention my sister is so hard core "safety first" i sometimes wonder why she doesnt just wrap all the babies in bubble wrap! So, the other little ones left early and my sister ran out to vote, leaving my niece here with me to play for a bit. All was fine and good... I got some great snuggles today, a few kisses, some "dress up" play, and of course dance moves to Madonna.
So, right now I am sitting on my couch pondering the pathetic delicacy of my ego. I think the fact that I have been eating halloween candy none stop for the past three weeks and am now beginning to see the tangible results, meaning tightened jeans and bloated stomach feeling, is definitely not helping. The big glass of wine beside me is helping though...
One of the most embarrassing examples of the unreasonable level of sensitivity I have would stem from facebook. Ok, yes, I am on facebook. I still have trouble understanding how to use it. I feel like i am missing something. In fact, I am pretty sure there are basic components of it that I have not caught on to yet, but that is besides the point. There is an application where your friends can vote on your strengths and weaknesses. It is a stupid little poll and they have to choose between you and another person for a particular question, for example- most fun to hang out with. Then you'd have a picture of two of your friends, randomly picked, and you chose from that. In other words it is stupid. So, then why do I see my rankings and feel bad about myself> Some of them come as no surprise... I am pretty much last in "most adventurous" and "most out- going", i know, shocking. Most likely to be seen in fleece would be another story. But, I have to admit that I when I see I don't get picked as "hardest worker" or things like about being reliable or trustworthy, I feel bad. Maybe its because I then have to face the truth that at this point in my life, I am lazy. Truly lazy. I wasn't always lazy though! The fact that I even give these stupid rankings a second thought is pathetic. I was disappointed because I've never gotten chosen as "more fun to work with". Hey, I can make fun of the librarian like no one else!
I'm a little embarrassed that I just admitted to how personally I take those facebook polls. I hope I don't get sympathy votes now. haha.
My other example for today is coming from the confrontation I just had with my land lord. My sister just bought a house near by and has been having a lot of construction done, so in the mean time she has been watching her 2 friends children out of my apartment. I did tell my land lord in the beginning, but didn't give weekly updates. Their construction in their house has taken a lot longer than they had anticipated, lucky them getting to live in my sister's childhood room (all three of them in one tiny room) and be entertained my manhattan drinking father. So, today my landlord was here raking some leaves... My sister had the babies, there are 3 total including her own and she has another one of her friends helping her out. One baby in not of walking age and the other one literally sleeps ALL day (its unreal!). Not to mention my sister is so hard core "safety first" i sometimes wonder why she doesnt just wrap all the babies in bubble wrap! So, the other little ones left early and my sister ran out to vote, leaving my niece here with me to play for a bit. All was fine and good... I got some great snuggles today, a few kisses, some "dress up" play, and of course dance moves to Madonna.
My sister leaves and I hear a knock on my door. It's the land lord. Immediately starts in on my that I cannot have illegal day care out of his house, etc etc. I wasn't prepared for this at all. He was pissed! I won't go into the details, but upon his leaving I was proud of myself because... I didn't get upset and start crying. I have this horrible habit of crying whenever I get upset about things, especially when I've been "yelled at". Pretty much if someone says no to me or anything along those lines, I cry. Its SO AGGRAVATING! I am a grown woman, I don't mean to or want to cry, but my eyes just well up. When I get mad, frustrated, stressed, anything really, I cry. But, I didn't tonight. I was rational and listened to him and also told him things that I thought were important and that I think he might have had a misconception of how many children were here, etc. I'm not sure if he was thinking of how small this apartment is! how many kids could there possibly be! So, i held it together... I didn't waver, didn't get the tell-tale tremble of the voice...
Until he left and I texted my sister to tell her. She called me and then, the tears were unleashed. So stupid! It was over. It wasn't a big deal. Tim came home to me on the phone (trying to disguise the fact i was crying) with tissues balled up in my hands. "I don't like getting in trouble... I don't like getting yelled at... I don't like it when people think i did something wrong..." Those were some of the things I was mumbling to him as I tried to explain why on Earth I was crying over what happened. It was his tone... and the way he was looking at me. No, see there I go again!
I'm an emotional person, which to some of you may be a surprise, but to others is probably understatement of the year. But, it gets really frustrating. I think I interpret those types of situations as failure. As letting someone or something down. I can say, "screw it", but emotionally, I guess there is a bigger part of me that holds on to all of that stuff and then snowballs it all together.
On the positive side... my feet are nice and snug. I bit the bullet, along with my partner in crime, and indulged in a pair of Uggs. Now, I know a lot of people think they are ugly. Personally, I am on the fence with that one. Sometimes I think they look silly- mainly the rolled down look or the Uggs with skirts, etc etc. But, ohhh the comfort level. They could be the most hideous things on earth and I would wear them because they are like little slices of furry heaven. I want to sleep in them!
10.17.2008
yes, I am straight... BUT...
…I have a definite girl crush on Madonna.
My sister was lucky enough to score two free tickets to the concert last night… and then lucky for me, she asked me to go with her. I have always enjoyed Madonna’s music, in fact my earliest Madonna memory was when the “Material Girl” video came out and I wanted to badly to be Madonna in the pink dress with the big bow on the back being lifted up by a bunch of guys. I may or may not have practiced the Vogue dance in my room on occasion… but I never would have considered myself a huge fan. Until last night.
After a couple of “Material Girl” martinis at the Grande Canal, I knew that it was going to be a good night. Our dinner conversation centered around all of our favorite Madonna songs and the bar was blasting her greatest hits… As my sister, Page, and I got to our seats our excitement was barely containable… The lights dimmed and the goose bumps popped out. It felt like forever before she came out on the stage, just teasing us. At one point I think I may have just started screaming “BRING HER OUT!!!!!” There is no describing the adrenaline that was pumping when the set started to rotate and then we all saw her… strewn across a huge chair with a cane. How much more idyllic can that get. Madonna dancing with a cane… not like an old persons cane with tennis balls on the bottom… My whole body had the chills.
The show was a nonstop dance party. No wonder this woman works out for four hours a day. She is diesel. I never really thought of her as being such a good dancer, but boy can she move. I would have to say my favorite “move” involved something similar to a thrashing- head banging- hair swirling- thrusting- “going nuts” motion. This may not sound very cool, but trust me, in person it makes you want to be Madonna. My other favorite move would be one that was a combination of walking forward while strutting, skipping, and then jumping up and down with her arm raised up in the air (similar to the way you might raise your arm up when dancing to “Jump Around” by House of Pain).
Hits of the night for me: Borderline. She did a rock version of this song that was really cool. Four Minutes. If only J.T. could’ve popped out from behind one of the props could it have been any better. Like a Prayer. Obviously this would be a big one… it also brought along one of the funniest jokes of the night when Page leaned over and said, “For as fast as those dancers are dancing, Danielle still dancers faster than any of them!” We laughed a lot over that one. (Sorry Danielle, you know I love your double time moves!) The opening with Candy Shop, partly because of the pure adrenaline that came with it, was a high light. But, the surprising song that completely blew the both of us away… La Isla Bonita. She had a Spanish Quartet playing with her and Spanish dancers. Then she and the back up dancers did some round dances. Very. Very. Cool.
The people watching at a Madonna concert is another reason to get a ticket. You could pretty much wear anything and fit in. The seat dancing provided lots of entertainment as well. I’m sure there were people laughing at me and my moves as well… Luckily my signature moves, knee bends and pointing guns, doesn’t require a lot of space, so I was all set. Unlike the girl behind me who had the broadest overhead clap I’ve ever seen. She hit my hands a few times. Strange.
So, that is my recap of the evening. It may sound a little pathetic, but too bad, I’m excited. I’ve been to concerts before, but they have been a little more on the mellow side. I never really jumped up and down, singing at the top of my lungs, sweating my butt off at a Sarah McLachlan concert. There is a definite difference when seeing someone like Madonna. The star quality is obvious. Madonna with that cane in the opening… you just can’t beat that. Maybe Sarah McLachlan needs back up dancers, haha. Just a thought.
My sister was lucky enough to score two free tickets to the concert last night… and then lucky for me, she asked me to go with her. I have always enjoyed Madonna’s music, in fact my earliest Madonna memory was when the “Material Girl” video came out and I wanted to badly to be Madonna in the pink dress with the big bow on the back being lifted up by a bunch of guys. I may or may not have practiced the Vogue dance in my room on occasion… but I never would have considered myself a huge fan. Until last night.
After a couple of “Material Girl” martinis at the Grande Canal, I knew that it was going to be a good night. Our dinner conversation centered around all of our favorite Madonna songs and the bar was blasting her greatest hits… As my sister, Page, and I got to our seats our excitement was barely containable… The lights dimmed and the goose bumps popped out. It felt like forever before she came out on the stage, just teasing us. At one point I think I may have just started screaming “BRING HER OUT!!!!!” There is no describing the adrenaline that was pumping when the set started to rotate and then we all saw her… strewn across a huge chair with a cane. How much more idyllic can that get. Madonna dancing with a cane… not like an old persons cane with tennis balls on the bottom… My whole body had the chills.
The show was a nonstop dance party. No wonder this woman works out for four hours a day. She is diesel. I never really thought of her as being such a good dancer, but boy can she move. I would have to say my favorite “move” involved something similar to a thrashing- head banging- hair swirling- thrusting- “going nuts” motion. This may not sound very cool, but trust me, in person it makes you want to be Madonna. My other favorite move would be one that was a combination of walking forward while strutting, skipping, and then jumping up and down with her arm raised up in the air (similar to the way you might raise your arm up when dancing to “Jump Around” by House of Pain).
Hits of the night for me: Borderline. She did a rock version of this song that was really cool. Four Minutes. If only J.T. could’ve popped out from behind one of the props could it have been any better. Like a Prayer. Obviously this would be a big one… it also brought along one of the funniest jokes of the night when Page leaned over and said, “For as fast as those dancers are dancing, Danielle still dancers faster than any of them!” We laughed a lot over that one. (Sorry Danielle, you know I love your double time moves!) The opening with Candy Shop, partly because of the pure adrenaline that came with it, was a high light. But, the surprising song that completely blew the both of us away… La Isla Bonita. She had a Spanish Quartet playing with her and Spanish dancers. Then she and the back up dancers did some round dances. Very. Very. Cool.
The people watching at a Madonna concert is another reason to get a ticket. You could pretty much wear anything and fit in. The seat dancing provided lots of entertainment as well. I’m sure there were people laughing at me and my moves as well… Luckily my signature moves, knee bends and pointing guns, doesn’t require a lot of space, so I was all set. Unlike the girl behind me who had the broadest overhead clap I’ve ever seen. She hit my hands a few times. Strange.
So, that is my recap of the evening. It may sound a little pathetic, but too bad, I’m excited. I’ve been to concerts before, but they have been a little more on the mellow side. I never really jumped up and down, singing at the top of my lungs, sweating my butt off at a Sarah McLachlan concert. There is a definite difference when seeing someone like Madonna. The star quality is obvious. Madonna with that cane in the opening… you just can’t beat that. Maybe Sarah McLachlan needs back up dancers, haha. Just a thought.
10.10.2008
10.09.2008
i'm hooked
alright, let's face the facts. The odds of Sarah Palin being able to handle the vice presidency position are much better than the odds of me ever posting things i've written (i.e. poetry) on this blog. However, I did learn about this website, wordle.net the other day. Thanks to Holly Staples, go figure. haha. Anyway. I am now obsessed with converting all my poems into "wordles"... the fonts, the colors, the graphics... this is going to take away the possibility of me ever being productive again... I wish I were kidding... So, enjoy my jubbled poems...
10.02.2008
I need a "seminar"
Once again, I have logged onto the blogger page with the intentions of writing some thought provoking, prolific post... and yet again... I am coming up blank. How can something that once came so easily to me, now leave me completely stumped>
Is it possible to fully describe a feeling> I suppose there are some feelings that you can put words to, or at least you see people that try to. Fall is my favorite season, as I have stated about a million times before, but I have trouble explaining the specific reasons behind all of it. The other day I was out taking a walk and there was something in the combination of the colors of the leaves on a specific tree, the temperature, the slight breeze in the air, and the smell that instantly flooded my mind with memories. It was not one thing in particular, but more so the combination that seemed to trigger all of my senses at once. And this is where I lose any ability to explain what happens... there is a feeling of happiness, a feeling of peacefulness, a feeling of motivation, and a feeling of cleanliness. But, at the same exact time there is a feeling of loneliness, sadness, fear, and (for lack of a better word) misguided motivation.
That doesn't make much sense to people and as I have said already, it is nearly impossible for me to explain as well. But, for as much as I love the fall, it is also a time that brings back a lot of painful memories for me from over the years. All of those things that trigger the positive feelings associated with fall, trigger the difficult as well. I guess what amazes me is how these feelings and thoughts are triggered by something so small and insignificant, you would hardly know it was there. Like a breeze. Or the contrast in the color of the budding orange leaves against the crisp blue sky. That was all it took to put me back to a specific moment in time. Or, moments in time to be more accurate. I have heard many times that smell has the strongest connection to memory. The first time I heard that, I immediately wanted to argue that it was not and that obviously sight or hearing had to be the strongest connector. But, I'm not so sure anymore. Have you ever had that experience where you smell something and you are immediately transported somewhere else> I remember one time in the 8th grade I went to wash my face with my mother's new "fancy" face wash. I unscrewed the bottle and the smell instantly shook me. To me, it was the exact smell of the funeral home we had used a year earlier when my Grandfather had died. There is also a perfume that is so distinct that when I smell it, I am flooded with memories of a certain person. So much so, that for awhile, if I was ever near anyone in public with it on, I had to make a quick exit. You could debate for hours which of the 5 senses connects you most to memories... But, a few weeks ago I seemed to get hit with all 5 of them at once. And what a sensation that is... for better or for worse, who's for sure.
I just finished reading a book that was extremely intense. It was a co-written memoir (mother and daughter) that dealt with the teenagers drug addiction as well as sexual abuse that she struggled with as a child. (Yes, it was a real light- uplifting read) A large part of the book dealt with "inner growth" of both the mother and the daughter during this process of recovery. They both had to attend seminars that got them in touch with who they "really are" and face the lies they constantly told themselves and believed. After reading about the strenuous and emotional "seminars", all I could think of was, "I totally want to do that!"
It sounds like just what I need right now. There was no beating around the bush at these seminars. For each rationalization someone would give for their "behavior" or "personality trait", it was thrown right back at them. Not that I think being picked apart would be extremely fun, but I think it would be an eye opening experience. In the past I have definitely had people straight shoot with me and my usual response is to either completely shut down, get upset- therefore causing them to ease up, or argue everything they were saying and convince myself that I was right and they were wrong. Looking back, they were all right, I just didn't want to accept that they were. The leaders of these seminars didn't back down when someone got upset or felt like they had been pushed to hard. That was usually when they got even more intense.
Why do I want to do this> I'm not sure. Maybe I am mildly driven by intense drama!> haha. No, I think the desire comes from the fact that I have been feeling so disconnected and stagnant in my life. I know for a fact that I tell myself pretty damn good lies. They are so believable! But, how much can that be helping me. I want someone, who knows what they are doing, haha, to look at me and challenge me. I want to resort to my old ways and have someone call me out on that too. The amount of my personal life that I share with people is so little, especially verbally, that sometimes I just feel like I have created this little one-person world think tank. The more I am thinking or feeling, the less I will share. I know that isn't the most efficient way of going through life and it gets lonely. But, learning to reverse years and years of functioning is difficult... and I am always looking for an excuse... so c'mon, send me to some sort of seminar and let someone read my flaws and tendencies and then confront me with them. Some sort of self-discovery sounds appealing right now.
On a happy note, my favorite "fall" Yankee candle is burning and that makes me extremely happy. "Autumn leaves". I love the label. I love the color of the candle. And i loooove the smell. Ahh. Yankee candle makes my world a better place.
Speaking of... one more comment. Has anyone come across the info-mercial for the "back saver, cordless, up-right Shark" vacuum cleaner> I really think I need to get that. Who knew that vacuums could be one of the most exciting things ever! My cordless hand held shark changed my world... I can't imagine what this new one would do... It sucks up metal screws and bolts!
Yep. I think some inner soul searching is need...
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