m.o.t.i.v.a.t.i.o.n.

I am a few weeks into summer and have accomplished 0 of the items on my mental summer "to do" list. Awesome.

Mind you, this list is nothing extraordinary. It had the standard components: organize craft supplies, clean out "spare room", get in decent shape, file pictures... things along those lines. But, here I am, sitting amongst the piles of books, magazines, and other random things I own that should be stored away somewhere...

As a human being, I am prone to usual bouts of laziness, but this seems to be above and beyond.

"i got it"... "i got it too"

The title of this post won't make sense unless you are a part of my family. This is how every phone conversation with my grandmother, Mamae, ends. It has ended this way for as long as I can ever remember. Even last night as I hung up with her and she was too weak to even talk, she sent her kisses through the phone and "i got it" and I sent them back... and she "got it too". Although, in the past year or so, she has added in, "love you forever and ever..."


Since we found out a few months ago that Mamae has terminal cancer I have been trying to deal with the reality of what it all means. Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I had a mental picture of Mamae sitting in her usual "spot" on my Aunt's couch for family holidays, then i tried to picture that spot empty. It is hard to even imagine a gathering without her. She has kept our family together. Her love for her family is something I treasure about her. She never holds in her love. One of her favorite things to talk about, like most proud grandparents, is the love of their grandchildren and family. But, Mamae always includes everyone in our lives. The people we love, she loves. In fact, sometimes I really worry that she is trying to steal Tim away from me! I am not the most outwardly emotional person, though my internal dialogue is beyond dramatic, but when Mamae talks about how much she wishes my grandfather could be around to see his family and how proud he would be of us and the mates we have chosen, it makes my eyes tear.


Over the past week especially Mamae has taken a turn for the worse. Tim and I brought her some McDonalds last week in an unsuccessful attempt to make her eat... My parents are on vacation in California, so I have been trying to step up the contact with her. I called her last night, after not talking to her for 2 days and felt instant panic when I heard her voice on the phone. It was not Mamae. A few years ago, my parents were on a short trip to Maine and Mamae had not been feeling well. I was running late on my way down to RI for a little girls college reunion... and I went back and forth on whether or not I should stop by her house. I decided I should... and thank god I did. I walked into something I will never forget... To make a long story short I ended up taking Mamae to the hospital where she had 2 more heart attacks. I remember my parents convincing me a few days later to meet up with my friends for a little bit... but realized as I was saying goodbye to Mamae it would be the last time. Well, I should've known better, that little firecracker wasn't just going to go lightly. Miraculously, she recovered.


Talking to her last night, put me RIGHT back to that humid, dreary summer day years ago when I was sure I walked in on my grandmothers last moments. However, this time, unlike the past her miraculous recovery is not expected. I am waiting now by the phone for my aunt to call to let me know they are on the way to the hospital. My grandmother lives in an old age home, I think. haha. Im not exactly sure what it is... I tell her its like living in a college dorm. :) There is no medical assistance, its really just an apartment. But, the hospice nurses have been going there to check in on her. But, not after today. After I hung up with her last night, she went downhill even more so. Her hospice nurse was due to visit this morning and immediately called my parents and said they needed to get her to the hospital today. So, I am sitting here, waiting to help my aunt with all of this. I'm not ready to let go of her. As selfish as it sounds and as much as I can say, "she is old and has lived a good life"... I can't accept that.


I realize that every day people die before their time and that my grandmother is fortunate to have lived a long life... but, she is such a special woman. If you meet her, you love her. She has a sense of humor like no other. It is impossible to imagine my life without her... to think of not ending a phone call with "i got it"... "I got it too... I love you forever and ever...and Timmy too"

yes. I am still alive.

I took another break from the good ol' blog. I have read blogs written by other friends and I began to worry that mine is too much like a diary. Then I realized that I am just not up for thinking about important topics to write about... and yes Gerard, Brad Pitt counts as important. So, sorry to say, if you choose to read this blog, you will be subjected to my ramblings. Someday, maybe I will bring an important topic to the forefront to make you sit back and think... although, maybe I did do that when I posted about the New Kids and how talented they truly are... I know I got one of you out there to think... ;) yea, GGT-N, I mean you.


The past few weeks have been hectic, yet boring. I'm not sure what takes up so much of my time since I no longer am in grad school, advise student government, work a second job... or do anything for that matter. I guess my free time is spent with my nose in a book. I have talked about this with a few fellow readers recently and they assure me this isn't a problem, but sometimes... I wonder. haha. Actually, at one point a few months ago one of my doctors called me out for using reading as an avoidance tactic.... sheeesh, what does she know. I don't think I see it as an avoidance method, though at sometimes sure, but I just get hooked on things... obsessed. Now, I know those of you who really know me are shaking your head and laughing at me sarcastically thinking, "gee, Lauren get obsessed with something!>" , but others of you have not been introduced to all my idiosyncrasies. And there are many. I thought about making a list of past "obsessions", but realized that might make people look at me a little more strangely than they already do. But, to put it simply, I tend to throw myself head first into things and then burn myself out and never want to do that particular activity, or whatever it may be, again. The all or nothing thinking I struggle with is not limited to thoughts... but also activities. haha. So, i believe this is the spot reading is filling in my life at this moment. It is like a competition with myself to see how fast I can finish a book. I should get a life!


Other stuff. Simon was having more health problems. A few weeks ago he was doing real poorly and my mother had to make an emergency visit to my apartment...as I sat on the floor hyperventilating, holding the dog. We had to have "the talk" about his health and that I had to be prepared for what may come. I thought I was going to have to put him down that night. Needless to say, it wasn't a pretty site. But, he is hanging in there... and is as cute as ever.


Tomorrow is our last day of school. Yipppeee. This is exciting, yet also a little nerve wracking. I have no summer employment, which isn't the best feeling. I was really stressed about this, but then I realized that most summers I have not worked but have taken classes... so this is actually better because i am not spending money on classes... I just feel EXTREMELY lazy. Luckily I have about 500 obsessions, i mean hobbies, that take up my time so boredom is never an issue. And I know i will still be stressed about time management and all the things "i have to do" even though there is literally nothing going on. The hardest part will be trying not to spend any money... this is good timing for my new bike riding obsession. haha. yes... bike riding, you don't even want to know the level of dorkdom that has hit Wakefield.

I'm sure you were all at the edge of your seats waiting for me to update. Hope my little recap has brought you all up to speed... Oh, and thank God it has cooled down!!!

Step one...we can have lots of fun

It is like a dream come true... NKOTB has reunited. It's old news now, but really, will it ever lose its excitement. I doubt it.

I just finished watching Chronicle during which they spent half an hour digging deeper into this reunion... it almost brought a tear to my eye. Such talent. The lyrics touch me on so many levels. Who knew a song could be written about a "popsicle". Funky, Funky Christmas is another favorite. Beautiful melody.

I never got to go to a New Kids concert, I felt as if I was the only person on the planet not allowed to go. I can vividly remember turning the volume all the way up on my purple clock radio and closing my eyes...telling myself that if I tried hard enough, I would feel like I was really at the concert. I was such a tool. A few years ago I found a letter I had written and "sent" to the New Kids. Apparently my mother didn't actually mail the letter out... and at the time I just thought they didn't want to take me up on my offer to come over for dinner. I don't remember what else I wrote, other than the dinner invitation, but I do remember it being ridiculously funny and covered in stickers (the scotty dog that you could "dress up" stands out... I put bow ties on them). I must find a way to their reunion concert... it's destiny. I won't be denied again. I wish I still had my pins...the ones that were so large they had stands on the back. I would line them up on my desk and Mrs. Steiss would tell me to put them in my desk. I remember trying to run with them on at recess, they were always in the way. "Please don't go girl" reminds me of Toby, my first dog. Toby was going through his puppy chewing stage and my father was yelling and threatening to get rid of the dog. I remember sitting on the basement stairs with Toby, listening to that song, crying hysterically. Yes, Toby was a boy, but "Please Don't Go Girl" seemed appropriate.

Speaking of dogs. Poor Simey, he can't catch a break... nor can my wallet. seriously. We were back in the vet today. Almost $300 later we left... yea... we spent over $250 a month or so ago... and then $500 a month ago as well... should I continue with the thousands in surgeries. I don't think I will or I might drain this bottle of wine that I have been nursing... being broke is really impeding my drinking capabilities. Anyway. Simon is sporting a yeast infection in both ears and some sort of intestinal problem... his "sample" is being sent out for tests, I'm sure whatever it is can be cured for a couple hundred dollars. The poor little guy though. (Oh, they are dancing to "Dancing on the Ceiling" on dancing with the stars, another great tune from my childhood...Lionel Ritchie was the first tape I ever bought... at Caldors. Is that how it is spelled> Maybe the Jets was first, not must have been Lionel...What a great song).

Sorry, got distracted by the 80's jam... So. Little Simey shook like a leaf the entire time he was at the vet. He was muzzled and I had to leave the room, as usual. It breaks my heart. Afterward we waited for awhile at the front desk while they racked up our charges (only to add it to my total bill that I am still paying off!) and I stared to really panic about the money we have had to put into him in the past few months. While I was sitting with these thoughts in my head, a woman came up to the counter. She had been waiting on the bench with her son and their cat. She was speaking softly, but I was able to hear... she was confirming another appointment that she had for tomorrow for her other cat, Lucy, that was being put to sleep. She said that the last time she was there, they had really urged her to put Lucy down that day, but she couldn't do it, but tomorrow was time. She was speaking quietly so her son couldn't hear her. I had to get myself to a "happy place" before I had a complete breakdown. I looked at Simon with his stub tail pinned to his body in fear and his trembling legs and realized, there was no other option than spending the money. Still, lurking in the back of my head was, "but for how long can this continue"... Its something I try not to think about, or won't let myself think about. How can I. To most people, he is just a dog. But to me, he is more than that (understatement of the year). Few people, even those closest to me know just how much he represents. Its like our own secret bond... Look up "codependent" in the dictionary and you will see this:

or this:

(Yes, that was his tongue licking me in the first one. haha.)

On the up side... 2 days until I leave for the annual girls weekend trip to Stone Harbor, N.J. I can't wait to sit on the beach and read... good friends, good drinks, lots of laughs. Just what the doctor ordered.

Oh boy. I just saw a commercial for a new show, "Wipeout". It looks like Americanized (is that a word) version of Most Extreme Elimination Challenge. If you've never seen MEEC, trust me... you HAVE to find it. It is worth the hassle of trying to find it...

I don't want to be in a nursing home!

One more year until the dreaded 3-0. I've been worried about that milestone for quite some time. I am aware that it is not that big of a deal and that it will come and go like any other day, but, I am still dreading it none-the-less. I will enjoy my last year in the 20's... but I am not moving into the next decade willingly. I am digging my heels in.

I guess it isn't so much the "30's" that freak me out... but my "all or nothing" mind set that seems to affect every aspect of my life. I don't see myself turning 30, I see myself as 85 years old in a nursing home. There is no inbetween. Last week I was visiting my grandmother in the nursing home and her roommate was telling me stories about "gym class" back when she was in high school. She talked like it was just yesterday... when she was young and full of energy. Now, she is still full of energy but unable to get out of her bed without being in a wheelchair. I bet when she was younger she had trouble picturing herself in this state. Time flashes by and they say that it goes faster the older you get. This sets me into panic mode and birthdays exacerbate this.

So, yes... I am moving along through the aging process. Enjoying the slowing of my metabolism and the fine lines I see beginning to form around my eyes and lips. Then there is the blatantly obvious crease inbetween my eyes that distracts me in the car when I catch a glimpse in the rearview mirror. Sometimes I catch a glance in the mirror and think that I like my "more mature face". There have been times when I actually thought to myself that I liked the way my "mature face" looked. The subtle lines starting to develop and the way in which my eyes squint when I am really smiling. There is something real about the lines, like evidence of life and experience. I think about how much I have changed and of all the things I have gone through... and sometimes I feel a sense of pride-acceptance- over the imperfections. Most of the time this is a fleeting thought that is quickly replaced with a counter negative thought usually focused on my eye lids and how I am convinced they will be sagging so much in the next few years that I won't be able to see. Yes, my mind tends to exaggerate.

all he needs is a margarita

I'm sorry, but this website gets me every time...

i hope simon realizes how lucky he is...

This is seriously one of my all time favorite websites... it makes me laugh out loud... really loud.

www.faildogs.com