I am sitting on the couch in my favorite fleece pants and a hooded sweatshirt... my uniform. Completing my uniform, of course, is the 15 lb yorki-poo snuggled up in-between my body and the arm of the couch. I skipped out on practice today. All day I've had that "feeling" of coming down with something. Waves of nausea which evoke fear of the stomach bug that is going around. I feel completely drained. Exhausted, even more than usual. Something isn't quite right... But I cannot get sick and let my mother have the satisfaction. No, my mother is not evil and wishing illness upon me... but, she likes to remind me EVERY time I talk to her that I did not get my flu shot this year. Its a motherly nag thing, which she is good at. I've been praying I wouldn't get sick just so I could excuse my laziness of not getting the shot and of course gloat.
I just finished reading the book Eleven Seconds by Travis Roy. Just as a reminder, Travis Roy was the B.U. hockey player that was paralyzed eleven seconds after his first face-off on the BU hockey team. He is a quadriplegic and has dealt with subsequent medical issues following the accident. My sister read the book a few years ago and strongly suggested I read it, so now years after, I have finally remembered. I find it truly inspiring that someone can be thrust into such a difficult and devastating situation and yet continue to look for the silver lining in all things. At times I felt myself questioning the authenticity of his statements and beliefs. It almost seemed too good to be true. I guess it goes along with the concept, or phenomenon, that when people are put into extraordinary situations, they rise to the occasion. His accident did not just change his life forever, but also the lives of everyone around him. Each page of the book, my heart ached for everyone that loved and knew him. His family rallied themselves and stood strong to provide as much support as possible. In a way, I find them to be the most inspiring people in the book. Travis also had a girlfriend that he had been dating since high school and she stuck by him through his injury and rehabilitation. She took care of him in ways that no one should have to take care of their loved one, especially at their age. Bladder and bowel cleansings for him each morning at the age of 20 years old. Unbelievable love and support. He is the first person to recognize the impact these people have on his life. It is really a remarkable story. I highly recommend it to anyone. While there is a lot of sadness in the story, there is an over-all feeling of hope. It definitely puts a lot of things into perspective. All of a sudden the annoying pieces of hair that continuosly fell in my face today (hence interfering with some key pickle ball shots) did not seem so bad.
This story comes at an interesting time for me. Lately I've been feeling pretty unmotivated. Alright, completely unmotivated. I feel as if I go through these fluctuations frequently in my life. I suppose this is due to a couple of factors, but at this point in time, I just seem to be at a real loss. I want to feel passionate about something. I want to feel excited, productful, and like I am doing something with myself that is going to make a difference. These days I just feel so lethargic. Like it is an effort to do much of anything, let alone feel enthusiastic about something. (I know, I need to stop procrastinating and actually call the doctor... I think some blood tests are due... in my hypochondriatic mind, I have already assumed its something tragic that is causing the exhaustion... I probably just need more protein, haha). But, I hear stories about people who can't wait to get up and go to work or who volunteer and feel fulfilled. This, like Travis Roy's optimism, is something I can't fathom. Maybe I am missing my nitch in life. There must be something out there... other than Maddy. I know, I'm obsessed with her, haha, but really, she makes me feel that feeling that I am having such a hard time trying to describe right now.
The other day I was talking with a friend about a couple different things and the topic of our blogs came up (Yea Gilly!) She made a comment to me about something I had written and that she liked "my voice". She also said that it was similar to how I talked, but at the same time it wasn't. Of course she said it in a much more eloquent way and I just butchered it with my 5th grade vocabulary, haha. But, later in the day I was thinking about this comment and realized that the way I write in these blogs really isn't how I talk to people, but it is how I talk in my mind. One of the most frustrating character flaws of mine is my internal mute button. What I wouldn't give to turn that damn button off, even if it were two minutes. Whenever I have a conversation with someone, I hear in my head exactly what I want to say, but am completely unable to verbalize the words. The more complicated or emotional the issue the more mute I become. Its worst times are when I am trying to express anything that is connected to my emotions... which is when I really should be using words. I will literally try to will myself to say the words that are on the tip of my tongue... but they will not come out. This is the main reason music has been such a large part of my life. Many times I have used lyrics to convey what I have been trying to say to someone. This is also how I started writing. Poetry... I guess that is one word for some of the things I write... like music, has been an outlet for me. It is a place that I can let out the deeper emotions, feelings, or words that I want so desperately to say, but cannot. I have irritated my fair share of people with my verbal blockage that usually induces the standard, "I don't know" space filler. Those words just flow out of my mouth, why can't that be muted! Anyway. The point I am getting at is that, I speak much differently than I think. I always assume that people think I am very simplistic in my thoughts because I talk that way. My vocabulary continues to dwindle every year! When I have conversations with people, I am constantly thinking about how stupid and uneducated I sound, which in turn makes me more nervous to talk. I also start to worry that people think I'm just a "gym teacher". This is something that lingers in my mind when I talk to other people, especially other teachers. I know on many levels it's silly... everyone I am friends with is extremely respectful of my subject area :) But, I always feel inferior and I always think that other educators and students think that way about me as well. I started to ramble AGAIN and lost my final point... I am not a "simple thinker". If anything, I am the complete opposite which someone of you either know about me already or have possibly noted at one time or another. If I had a penny for every person that has looked at me and made a comment about "wondering what was going on in that mind of mine", I'd be able to quit my job and play with Maddy every day! :) I over think everything and anything. There are definite aspects of this deep thinking that I like and think are positive, however there are times when it works against me. Going back to a central theme in my life...balance. Finding the midway point between digging into deeper layers of people, situations, life, etc, but also being able to separate myself. Conversations. Actions. Thoughts. They all just dwell in my mind until I have over analyzed every possible aspect of the situation.
This blog has taken up a considerable amount of time this evening. I wonder how, if it is at all possible, I could start shorten these ramblings. I just keep going and going and going. But, at least you can just close it out and move along if you can't bear to read any more. :)
Keep your fingers crossed for me that I do not end up with this stomach bug that is going around!!!
2 comments:
I wanna see some of your poems!!
Bring on the poetry.
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