and so, here I am...

I've thought about starting an official blog for awhile... Anyone that has received an email from me knows that I have a tendency to ramble... So, maybe a blog is the place for me. I have been writing in a different blog, but I was using it as more of a journal. In true Lauren fashion it is an anonymous way to write and not have to face my thoughts in real time. I could probably create an entire other blog that examines why I feel the need to have 2 separate blogs. But, somethings are better left alone.

Before you read any of my ramblings, I must give a disclaimer. I write like I speak and I suck at grammar. So, for any grammar snobs, you may not want to read any further. I also have the attention span of a squirrel and find myself jumping around from topic to topic. With that being said, welcome to the inner ramblings of my mind. Hopefully I won't scare anyone off!!

So, the other day I was talking to some of the girls on the basketball team and they were asking me questions about, well pretty much everything. Then someone asked, "Do you ever feel like you are reliving your high school years>" (Note to any readers: my question mark key is still broken, I know, I'm lazy and should have gotten this fixed a long time ago... maybe it will be a vacation goal for myself). My first reaction was embarrasment. I thought, "OH god, how embarrassing that people might think I am trying to relive those years." Which, I promise I am not. I've been thinking about this question a lot over the past few days and started to think of things I would redo if I had the chance...

1. Wearing your father's flannel shirts is not hot.
My dad is 6'6. I am 5'8. Wearing his flannel shirts to school was not the most flattering outfit I could have gone for, yet, I seemed to find myself searching through his closet more days than not. He had one shirt that complimented my "flannel" chuck taylors nicely.

2. The beauty of wax
I blame my sister for this one. I give her an "F" for not performing one of her sisterly duties at an earlier age. I am of course referring to the issue of my eyebrows. I wonder how she looked at me for so many years and never said, "Lauren, I am going to do you the biggest favor I could... give me the tweezers." She was supposed to be good at that stuff. She was the cooler, more stylish older sister. I look back at old pictures and cringe. There is nothing wrong with a good waxing. The bangs didn't help my cause either. I looked like a schnauzer.

3. Don't take life so seriously, you'll never get out of it alive.
I used to get extremely irritated when anyone would tell me to "relax". The more someone said it to me, the more worked up I would get (actually, this still gets under my skin). The world didn't stop because I missed a shot in a game or lost a match. I wish I had let myself have fun playing sports. I could've been an amazing athlete, but I got in my own way. Talk about self destructive mind games. One bad shot, and I turned off for the night. Nearly every day I regret this... I had the work ethic and potential, but wan't mentally tough. High school sports have way too much drama. My all or nothing thinking (or as they say catastrophizing) has always played a hand. I took everything too seriously and then applied it to all aspects of my life. I wish I handled the pressure better. Now, I just drink wine. haha.

4. What, go to a party and risk getting in trouble!>
While I am proud of the decisions I made in high school (for the most part!) I do wish I had more experiences. Friday nights during my freshman and sophomore years were spent playing basketball. All twelve months. Out doors, indoors, in the rain, after chipping ice off the drive way (yes, I was that neurotic...actually I loved playing in my driveway in the snow... it was fun to practive diving for loose balls in the snow banks). I was always so worried about getting caught or kicked off a team I never did much of anything. I wish I had some more "normal" high school experiences. Who knows if they would have really been worth it, but if I could go back and do it again... I'd want some more Zima. haha

5. 90210 is not reality
I remember wondering at which point my life would suddenly reflect that of Brenda Walsh. When I was in middle school I watched Beverly Hills 90210 with my sister, well when I was able to sneak it past my mom. Apparently Carolyn did not think that 90210 was teaching appropriate life lessons... But, somewhere along the line I fell for the media lie. I assumed that in high school I would suddenly be sophisticated and "cool". It never happened, but I kept waiting. Luckily, unlike Donna Martin, I didn't almost forfeit my graduation.

6. Boys. They don't have cooties>
I don't have many memories of successful interactions with boys in high school. I know I drove one to school. haha. And my friend Danielle has told me I did have conversations with them, I just dont seem to remember this. Why was I so intimidated by them. I look at them now and realize how clownishly immature they are... but realize that is exactly what was intimidating. I know I sat near some in classes and talked with them. But, socially, I wasn't so quick with the conversation. Im wondering if any of this links back to 6th grade when I had an incident with Chris Dillon. He was making fun of me and called me an "Amazon". He then asked me if I chopped off my right boob so I could shoot my bow and arrow more easily. Without a thought I picked him up and literally flipped him onto the ground. Haha. Ms. Marsh kind of yelled at me, remember her she taught at MHS and retired a few years ago, but she didn't seem too mad. Not as mad as she was throughout the year when I continued with my obnoxious antics. Before I digress too much, let me get back to the point. I guess I was waiting for my inner (and outer) Brenda Walsh to blossom and for boy to see me walking down the hall with an aura of light outlining me after which he would profess his love for me. But, that never happened. I had a little prom date truama as well. Haha. I think I am getting to the roots of my social issues! :) Though, in college I was still receiving "flirting" lessons from my sister... I've always been better with puppies.

I could probably drag that list on forever. As I type, I am thinking of so many more lessons I would love to go back in time and teach myself. I'm sure I will add to this list randomly. So, in conclusion... to make a long answer short. No. I definitely do not feel like I am reliving my high school years nor would I ever WANT to relive those years. At times I have definitely wished to go back and have another try, but only now knowing what I know now. My father once said to me "You do not want to live your life full of regrets". He said this to me when we were down at UCONN stalking Rebecca Lobo and I was covered in hives because I was so excited (ok, am I painting a picture of why it was hard to get a prom date!). I was a senior in HS then literally feet away from my idols and yet I could not let myself enjoy it. I watched them walk past me, arms distance away and clammed up. My father knew if I didn't talk to one of the players or get a picture I'd always regret it and he was right. I do regret it. (Im also horribly embarrassed because I truly looked "special" standing in the middle of the hall shaking, covered in hives, holding a camera, piece of paper for autographs and a pencil, yet never using any of it.) At that point in my life I had already begun to regret certain things in my life... Things I had felt I held myself back from experience. I told myself, and even have old journal entries about this, that I would not feel the same way looking back on my years at college. Fast forward a good 10 years and I am still rying to remind myself of this, unsuccessfully. Safety in routine. Safety in what you know. It only adds to the regret. I've given up on Brenda Walsh, thankfully because she is quite homely! There is my silver lining.

And one final note. The spell check isn't working, so I am sure there are some butchered words in there... my apologies..