is it vacation yet>

Well, school is back into full swing. Yippee-do-dah. *note sarcasm* So, I am wondering when the next vacation is... It can't come soon enough!

In terms of excitement, there is none in my life. Just getting back into the daily grind... however, looking on the bright side, we are entering my favorite season! Fall. I love fall... there is just something in the air in the fall that makes me excited. Maybe it is the anticipation of "Perfect Pumpkin Picking Day" (yes, that is the official title given to the day), which is my favorite day of the year. Each year I go through the same disappointing realization that there is no such thing as the "perfect pumpkin". But, that is ok... once I start with my caramel apple, I usually forget about the pumpkin anyway! haha. This year will be a little different for me, a change of tradition, which for any of you that know me well, would know frightens me. I am big on traditions. I had panic attacks when my sister had to go on with her life and get married, therefore changing holiday arrangements. I can't even go into the Christmas fiasco of '07... I still need counseling for those changes. So, here we are on my most sacred day of the year... and it has to change. Since I was young, my sister, mother and I would go to Arena Farms in Concord to climb on the pumpkins, completely disregarding the sign that clearly stated "Please do not climb on the pumpkins". Last year as if God was answering my secret prayers, my sister asked if Tim and I would like to jump in on their pumpkin day (also at Arena Farms) so that we could see Maddy picking her pumpkin. Hello, dream come true. Unfortunately, Arena Farms is no longer standing. We are left to move on from our traditional pile of pumpkins. Time to branch out and experience what some other farms have to offer. Sure, I have been to some of the different places in the past, but always went back to that pumpkin pile. That pile would have me squealing with joy in the car as soon as I spotted it... Page has some ideas as to where we'll go this year... and it will be great... But, those piles of pumpkins will never be forgotten. I am hopeful, however, that the new place does not have chickens running rampant. That was a major downfall of Arena Farms. It was like they tracked me and plotted against me... blocking access to the trash can when covered in caramel. They always walk just a little too close to me which sets the panic in... damn birds... always ruin a good day!

Let's see... Oh, I am anticipating a lot of excitement and drama in my family as my two cousins are pregnant and due within 3 weeks of each other. These two cousins are the most driven, competitive people I know...and that is mainly with each other. This should be awesome! Im will to bet the one that is 3 weeks behind will somehow will her body into delivering early just to beat her sister on the birth. So great. haha. But really, it is very exciting. Both of them were able to tell my grandmother that they were expecting before she passed away. I am so happy they were able to have that memory with her. I have to admit, my first reaction to hearing they both told her was to cry. Not that Tim and I are wanting to have children right now, but, I felt a sense of sadness of being the only granddaughter to not have that experience with her. I remember the look on her face when my sister told us and then when she met Madeline, and I was truly hoping I'd be able to share that with her as well. I wouldn't say I'm jealous, it just made me feel really sad. It was just another reminder of how much I miss my grandmother.

A few days before the news, I had a really difficult dream in which I was dancing with her at a family party and I was spinning her in circles (she has always loved to dance, especially square dancing, and since i know how to do it, we used to dance out some of the steps and she would be so happy). In the dream, my dad told us to stop because my grandmother was too weak... to this she responded with something hilariously sarcastic about letting her have her fun. Then she just dropped. I held on so she wouldn't hit the floor, but she was gone. It felt so real. I felt her pulse stop and i was just struggling to hold on to her and thinking of the huge smile she had just had on her face. My father just kept saying to me, "Remember that smile on her face and feel comfort that she was so happy at the moment she died." The dream freaked me out because it felt so real. My cousin also had a very strange dream after my grandmother died. It is a long story, but she had complications with her pregnancy and had to go to the emergency room in NH. The doctors at the ER told her that she had miscarried. (this was while she was home for the services, she lives in Florida). After she had gone back to Florida, she went in right away to see her ob-gyn. The night before her appointment she had a dream that my grandmother walked up to her and put her hands on her stomach and told her everything would be ok. My cousin went to the doctors and she was told that she hadn't miscarried, she was misdiagnosed in NH. Crazy.

So, I guess that is all. The dream in combination with feeling "left out" (for lack of a better word) with being able to share something so special and exciting with my grandmother has been a little difficult... but it will ease in time. Its the little things that make the grieving harder as time goes on. In the beginning its natural and expected. But now, I keep thinking I should be over it by now. Talking to my cousin helped because she feels the same way, like we forget that she is gone. I keep thinking, "oh, I have to call Mamae"... Having two additional babies coming into the family will be so nice at the holidays. It is a great distraction and a source of genuine happiness.

Sorry for the dramatic post today...

To all my teacher friends, hope the school year is off to an alright start. I can't wait to catch up with you Melrose deserters to hear about life in other districts. I really wish you guys were able to witness the new librarian. I will take more pictures of the RC decorations. Apparently she has them for every season. Yippeee. She also loves groups hugs. Poor Marie Burke got stuck in two of them on Friday. It is a freak show in there... in other words, entirely entertaining! I look forward to what strange occurrences will take place in that library every day!

Yippeeeeeee for fall!!!!!!