filters and awkwardness

I do most of my thinking at night as I am trying to fall asleep... which would explain why for years I had such a hard time falling asleep! It always amazes me the way in which words come so easily to me during those minutes (or hours depending on the night!). A lot of times I think about "potential blog topics". I also like to "write" poems. I wish I had an internal word memorizer so that I could wake up and see my words printed out... but unfortunately, it is quite the opposite. I can never remember what I came up with the night before.

I figure the reason it is so easy for me to "write" in the comfort of my mind is because I know that no one will ever read it. It is safe. There are no filters, no awkwardness. I wish I could tap into those thoughts and words at times like this, but I can't. Its as if they get locked away.

Social situations have never been my strong point. As I have gotten older, they seem to be getting more difficult. I am overly aware of my poor vocabulary, the amount of times I accidentally cut someone off mid-sentence, the way I am standing or sitting, the expression on my face, and of course the randomness that tends to tumble out of my mouth. This awareness just makes it all harder. I feel as if I must plan out the words that come out of my mouth... all of them. Everything is filtered. Maybe I need practice. To stop all the thinking and just start talking. What is the worst that could happen. I talk alot, don't get me wrong, but when it comes to something with my own opinion or that is something that comes from a personal connection, I lost the ability to communicate. I have always relied on words, writing, to express myself, my true self. And I feel as though I am losing that as well...

Anyway. I found one of these little fill in the blank do-dads. I like to make my kids at school do these types of things :)



I am a person who...

I am a person who would rather sit on my couch in my favorite sweats, with a glass of wine, a good book, candles and my dog than go out to a busy bar.

I am a person that takes things too personally, loves to laugh, and is on a continuous search for the grey areas in life (that darn black and white thinking)

I am a person who does not use coupons (though I cut them out), clean or organize enough, go out of my comfort zone.

I am a person that is bad at at expressing myself, addressing things that need to be addressed, trusting other people, taking corners in my car, saving money

I am a person that has learned the hard way that no matter how much someone believes in a promise they make- they may not hold it, you can love someone or something too much, at sometime everyone you care about will let you down- and you will let them down as well, that there are things you cannot handle by yourself

I am a person that is genuinely happy when I am with my niece, walking with my dog, experiencing the simple things in life that make me smile (seeing a cute older person, people laughing together, etc)

I am a person that is afraid of too many things! haha. If you only knew!

I am a person that believes there is good in nearly all people, even if you don't see it right away; That there are somethings that we will never understand and that is for a reason; That most of the things you will do in your life that truly make a difference- you won't even realize- but someone did.

m.o.t.i.v.a.t.i.o.n.

I am a few weeks into summer and have accomplished 0 of the items on my mental summer "to do" list. Awesome.

Mind you, this list is nothing extraordinary. It had the standard components: organize craft supplies, clean out "spare room", get in decent shape, file pictures... things along those lines. But, here I am, sitting amongst the piles of books, magazines, and other random things I own that should be stored away somewhere...

As a human being, I am prone to usual bouts of laziness, but this seems to be above and beyond.

"i got it"... "i got it too"

The title of this post won't make sense unless you are a part of my family. This is how every phone conversation with my grandmother, Mamae, ends. It has ended this way for as long as I can ever remember. Even last night as I hung up with her and she was too weak to even talk, she sent her kisses through the phone and "i got it" and I sent them back... and she "got it too". Although, in the past year or so, she has added in, "love you forever and ever..."


Since we found out a few months ago that Mamae has terminal cancer I have been trying to deal with the reality of what it all means. Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I had a mental picture of Mamae sitting in her usual "spot" on my Aunt's couch for family holidays, then i tried to picture that spot empty. It is hard to even imagine a gathering without her. She has kept our family together. Her love for her family is something I treasure about her. She never holds in her love. One of her favorite things to talk about, like most proud grandparents, is the love of their grandchildren and family. But, Mamae always includes everyone in our lives. The people we love, she loves. In fact, sometimes I really worry that she is trying to steal Tim away from me! I am not the most outwardly emotional person, though my internal dialogue is beyond dramatic, but when Mamae talks about how much she wishes my grandfather could be around to see his family and how proud he would be of us and the mates we have chosen, it makes my eyes tear.


Over the past week especially Mamae has taken a turn for the worse. Tim and I brought her some McDonalds last week in an unsuccessful attempt to make her eat... My parents are on vacation in California, so I have been trying to step up the contact with her. I called her last night, after not talking to her for 2 days and felt instant panic when I heard her voice on the phone. It was not Mamae. A few years ago, my parents were on a short trip to Maine and Mamae had not been feeling well. I was running late on my way down to RI for a little girls college reunion... and I went back and forth on whether or not I should stop by her house. I decided I should... and thank god I did. I walked into something I will never forget... To make a long story short I ended up taking Mamae to the hospital where she had 2 more heart attacks. I remember my parents convincing me a few days later to meet up with my friends for a little bit... but realized as I was saying goodbye to Mamae it would be the last time. Well, I should've known better, that little firecracker wasn't just going to go lightly. Miraculously, she recovered.


Talking to her last night, put me RIGHT back to that humid, dreary summer day years ago when I was sure I walked in on my grandmothers last moments. However, this time, unlike the past her miraculous recovery is not expected. I am waiting now by the phone for my aunt to call to let me know they are on the way to the hospital. My grandmother lives in an old age home, I think. haha. Im not exactly sure what it is... I tell her its like living in a college dorm. :) There is no medical assistance, its really just an apartment. But, the hospice nurses have been going there to check in on her. But, not after today. After I hung up with her last night, she went downhill even more so. Her hospice nurse was due to visit this morning and immediately called my parents and said they needed to get her to the hospital today. So, I am sitting here, waiting to help my aunt with all of this. I'm not ready to let go of her. As selfish as it sounds and as much as I can say, "she is old and has lived a good life"... I can't accept that.


I realize that every day people die before their time and that my grandmother is fortunate to have lived a long life... but, she is such a special woman. If you meet her, you love her. She has a sense of humor like no other. It is impossible to imagine my life without her... to think of not ending a phone call with "i got it"... "I got it too... I love you forever and ever...and Timmy too"