Gee. Shocking. Haha.

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I'm baaaack

Well,  I'm back.

I'm sure everyone has been on the edge of their seats awaiting some sort of riveting post from me.  I thought today would be the perfect day, as I sit here on my couch still in my pajamas (watching "Center Stage"), with a smelly dog on my lap, and thoughts of school far-far away.  (This day is really going to suck in June when we make it up. boo)

So, I am hobby hunting.  I'm not sure if I really need a new hobby... I already have many and in true A.D.D. fashion I start one and never finish it before hopping on to another...  A couple years ago I went through this same yearning for a new activity, however, this came during the same semester I was in full time grad school, completing my internship in guidance, planning a wedding, and advising the senior class.  Needless to say, I didn't get any further than a few good intentions and googling badminton groups in the greater Boston area (by the way, still extremely interested in badminton...oh, I'm definitely going to google pickleball groups!)  

I could see this hobby/activity endeavor going in a few directions.  I want to try new things. Find something that excites me.  Something that makes me feel good about myself or that I feel successful at.  I realize that nearly all of my hobbies and activities leave me feeling inadequate. Though, what makes me think that a new hobby wouldn't do the same thing?  I guess we'll find out.  This adventure (oooh, hobby adventure, i like that) falls on the tails of my new outlook.  Ok, maybe this new outlook and attitude on life hasn't fully taken hold, but this here may be what I need to ignite myself.  

What is this new outlook, you may ask?  In my last post, I mentioned briefly about the loss of my sister-in-law, Lindsay.  Experiencing the loss of someone so young definitely makes you think about life in a much different way.  I watched my brother-in-law and his family and felt inspired by their love and support for each other, especially during such a devastating time.  I have always admired his family and been envious of how affectionate they are.  They are the type of people that greet you with a huge, two arm, embrace.  They aren't ashamed of kissing or hugging. Letting people know they are loved.  Along with this, they have a sense of togetherness.  Fun seems to follow them.  The more the merrier.  I listened to them reflect on memories of vacations, spur of the moment celebrations, and endless (hysterical) stories and realized that there is more I want to experience in this life.  Being a carbon copy of my father, I tend to limit my experiences due to technicalities.  For example, everything needing to be planned to the last minute (and planned by me).  Or the possibility of sitting in traffic means something is not worth going to.  I could go on for quite awhile, but I'm not so sure I should let everyone into that part of my mind. haha.  Tim and Lizzie (Danielle too, if she reads this?) are probably nodding because they know this part of my mind all too well... or can relate with it ;)   But, getting back to the point, my eyes were opened.  I want to try and change some things... have more fun... be less rigid... try new things even if I can't be in control of every single aspect of it!  So, this hobby adventure is connected.  Where will it lead.  

Here are some ideas.  Art classes of some sort.  I like to make things (enter concerns about finding a hobby that make me feel good about myself) or create things.  Maybe a jewelry making class?  Or, a photography class?   Or even a knitting class.  Well, probably not. :)   The other direction I would take this is by finding a new physical activity.  Part of me would love to play volleyball again.  But, I've done that.  Maybe something new?  I was really interested in getting into racquetball or squash...  Or maybe a kickball league?  

The biggest challenge is going to be moving this beyond good intentions and taking action.  Although, with probing, last week Tim and I did go to trivia at a local bar. That is a good step for me.  It involved going out on a school night (after 4 pm!)  And, I had fun... and will probably go back again this week!  The fact that it was super casual and there were people there in sweat pants definitely helped the scenario!   

So, any suggestions?  Or anyone interested in jumping on this hobby adventure bandwagon?  

been awhile.

It's been awhile since I have sat down and thought about a blog to write. Now that I'm here, I don't even know where to begin.

I was contemplating whether or not to even come back. I'm not sure what purpose this serves. My posts are not about anything particular... if anything they are just a form of a public journal. So, what is the point> (damn, I really wish I had a question mark key that worked.) The inner ramblings of my mind are usually quite comical, at least the things I can hear, however when I sit down to type, it doesn't seem to come out. At any rate, I am back. I figure it can't hurt to write some things out and if someone is bored by it or doesn't want to read it, then they can just click on the little X on the top right corner of their screen and be out of their misery!

The past few months have been a whirlwind here. Some good, some bad, some devastating, some fun. The MHS freshman girls basketball team is taking the Middlesex League by storm. And my what a fierce team they are. ;) It has been an interesting experience to be the head coach of a team, when I have spent all my time thus far as an assistant. It has also been interesting to go from the varsity team to the freshman. If I see one more lay-up smash off the back board or loop up over the backboard, I might literally have a coronary. Just hit the freaking shot already. Sorry, they are the bane of my existence, along with foul shots. Really, are they that difficult!> Apparently in freshman basketball they are. But, it's been a great season. The girls are fantastic, they have fun, they work hard, and we're winning! Thank god! When we were losing to Watertown (no offense Gilly!) during the first game I had images of myself resigning and never showing my face again in the basketball arena. Luckily, we pulled it together. It was a scary few minutes though. It was also during those scary few minutes that I had another one of my "aha moments" , as Oprah would call them...

The thought of losing petrified me. I was standing on the sideline and forced myself to think, "What if you lost>" My stomach started to turn and I felt pure anxiety rush through me. It is a feeling similar to what happened every single time I turned in a paper or exam during grad school. What if I didn't get an A> Then what> The results are somewhat out of my control. That is terrifying. One reason I almost didn't take the position was out of fear of losing. That (and time commitment) is why I passed up the J.V. job. I've lost plenty of times in my life as a player, but over the past years we have won so much. Not to mention, the 9th grade team has gone undefeated for the past few years. So, the fear that a loss would come with me coaching was too much. It's strange the ways in which my perfectionism rears its ugly head. I am one of those people that fears so much of not doing something just right that they won't even start. I have a feeling that losing a game would have the same impact that one of my grad school grades had on me... meaning I never let it go and god forbid anyone brings it up because then it all comes back full force. It's like PTSD! Anyway. I'm special, I know that.

New Years was a blast. Tim and I trekked out to Corning, New York, for the event of the year- The Connor's- Platzer wedding. Other than the wedding itself, the highlight of the trip would have to be when Tim and I were spotted on the street and interviewed for the NY news. Yes, you read that right! Now, let me paint this picture for you. Snowing. Freezing cold temperatures. We had driven 6+ hours the night before, got into town around 11 and headed right to the hotel bar. Woke up the next morning feeling a little "off my game". Just tired, etc, trying to prep for the night ahead. Tim and I head out into the wonderful town of Corning looking for some essentials (like, a hair straightener or curling iron because I left both of mine at home- found a 2-in-1 actually! how perfect!) I looked smashing in my pajama pants, uggs, huge knit hat, and dress coat- and not a stitch of makeup. What a lucky day to get interviewed to be on TV! Seriously! Now, I realize that I am not the type of person that looks impeccable when I go out, but I usually have on mascara with my sweats, or at least a fleece jacket and not some dressy jacket that totally doesn't match! Then during the interview, I completely dropped the ball. First I was trying to take the microphone from the woman, I really thought I had to hold it to talk into it, I didn't realize she was just extending it out for us to talk into! Then, I got nervous and kept looking at Tim... Tim who sounded like he was running for office. It was not a shining moment for me. It reminded me of something that would happen to Bridget Jones. Like that scene when she is sliding down the fire station pole on tv.... yea, along the lines of that. But, hey, whatever! We still got an on the street interview! Who knew Corning was so hopping that they sent news stations out there.

Six months ago, when my Grandmother passed away, people kept saying, "Well, she lived a long good life". I know it was supposed to make us all feel better, but I remember thinking that I was glad she lived a long, good life, but why couldn't she just live a little longer> It is always hard to lose someone you love and care about, however, I now realize more than ever, that there is comfort in knowing that someone has passed after living a full life. This past week has been a difficult one, to say the least. It is hard not to reflect on your own mortality, or how fragile life really is when you experience the passing of someone so young. This is something I will post on in the near future, when I am better able to sit down and organize my thoughts. It is still too fresh.

Simon is hanging in there. Currently his ears are the problem. Its always something! However, the double yeast infections he has there are beginning to clear. It's really lovely. We affectionately call him "Cheese Wheel". That is disgustingly in reference to the smell of his ears. haha. Gross, gross. I know... luckily in all of its grossness we find it funny and somewhat endearing. Oh my little cheese head.

All in all, it's been a rollercoaster around here. I will be updating soon on some of the things I have walked with from everything that has happened in the past week and a half.... Hope everyone is well.

p.s. Tim and I have discussed this and have concluded that if anyone knows someone hiring and can get tim a position, then they will be compensated, or rewarded (whichever word makes you more motivated to achieve) substantially... we were thinking maybe a week long visit from Simon!> cheese ears and all!!!

holiday spirit.

Other than the fact that our Christmas tree is up and my favorite seasonal Yankee Candle is filling the apartment with wonderful smells (balsam and cedar...mmm christmas tree in a jar)... the Christmas spirit is pretty much lost upon me this year.

I don't know why, but I'm just not feeling it. Not yet at least. What I am feeling though is vacation. This school year has been a challenging one. I listen to people's well intentioned advice, to not let certain classes and students get under my skin, but really, so much easier said than done.

I am tired of dreading my classes. I am tired of leaving school feeling like I could snap and burst into tears at any moment. They do get under my skin. Even if I am able to hide it from them (most of the time), they are really getting to me. I just can't shake off the disrespect. It's happened in the past, but not at the frequency it is this year. I almost exploded on Thursday... after I was sworn at by a second student in the same class. I was shaking I was so angry.... Screw them all. I say that, but I don't believe it. I should just let it all go, but I can't.

Basketball season is getting into full swing. It is always tough timing with the holidays... especially these first weeks since there have been a lot of double commitments with the varsity, etc. Hopefully time will start to even out. Some people are really good at being busy. I am definitely not one of those people. Somehow I managed during grad school... especially that one insane semester. But now, not so much. I constantly feel like I am wound too tight. I hate feeling this way... and I hate how it makes me act. I owe Tim a lot of really nice Christmas presents. The stressed out wrath of Lauren is never fun to be around... especially when the Christmas garland on the fireplace continues to fall down.

Tonight is my night off. I'm drinking wine and reading... while also obsessing over the lack of lesson plans I have ready for the week (stress management and mental health... I see great irony in this), the fact that I should have gone to holiday lights with my sister and family, that I have my coaching debut this week, and that there are a million of other things I should be doing.

See You When You're 40

RULES:
1. Put Your iTunes/Windows Media Player/ETC on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Put this on your journal or blog or whatevs.

1) If someone says, "Is this okay?" you say: "Now"
2) How would you describe yourself? "Better Off" (haha, interesting...)
3) What do you like in a girl/guy? "Great DJ" (true, i do like good music!)
4) How do you feel today? "Baby Hold On"
5) What is your life's purpose? "Breathe" (how appropriate)
6) What is your motto? "Get Over Yourself" (hahahaha, that's funny...)
7) What do you friends think of you? "Your Raise Me Up" (really> do i> haha)
8) What do you think of your parents? "CLOWNS!" (HAAHAHAHA. I swear to god that came up next on my shuffle. oh, that is classic!!!)
9) What do you think about very often? "I Get Weak" (everyone should have Belinda Carlisle on their ipod!)
10) What is 2+2? "Without You" (that is a stupid ass question)
11) What do you think of your best friend? "bubbly" (that's cute :)
12) What do you think of the person you like? "Hope for the Hopeless" (haha, hmm.)
13) What is your life story? "Far Away" (oh lordy, this is entertaining... i could read deeply into some of these!)
14) What do you want to be when you grow up? "Waiting for my life to begin" (hmm, eerily similar to how i feel... this is freaking me out a little!)
15) What do you think of when you see the person you like? "Sara" (mmm, not so much true.)
16) What will you dance to at your wedding? "Baby I'm Amazed" (that is the Jem version, that would be pretty, too bad i've been there and done that!
17) What will they play at your funeral? "My Life" (Dido's version, thats interesting too!)
18) What is your hobby/interest? "You Learn" (another strange one! i love learning new things...)
19) What is your biggest fear? "If She Only Knew" (hmm)
20) What is your biggest secret: "Downpour"
21) What do you think of your friends? "Let Me Let Go" (no!)
22) What song would you play during your first kiss? "Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop" (that'd be a good one to play in a movie ;)
23) What will you post this as? "See You When You're 40"

darn garland. and a party in my pants.

It really frustrates me that my decorative garland doesn't stay up on my mantle. I even put nails in it this year... who knew garland was so resistant.

Holiday decorating tends to stress me out, probably because my decorating sense is none existent. My house never looks like a page out of a pottery barn catalogue. I wish it would. I am so envious of people who are able to put things together like that. If and when tim and I ever get a house, I will definitely be hiring one of my friends to decorate for me. I feel so pathetic when I try to put out decorations and it looks like an A.C. Moore clearance rack. My drooping garland right now is like a blatant lit up reminder that I suck at interior decorating.

Along the lines of decorating, I changed the color background of this blog, which you have probably noticed. It needs some sort of makeover. The other colors were too summery... but once i started switching the colors around i got overwhelmed and left them as they are now, which is still pretty summery. I could spend hours picking out the colors and driving myself nuts... but I am choosing not to.

My favorite holiday of the year has come and gone. This year it seemed to go by extra quickly, maybe that is because two of my cousins are pregnant so they were not drinking. It was actually a pretty sober turkey day for the doherty family. Strange. Here are some of my highlights from thanksgiving:

1.) Seeing my mother completely stressed out and standing in the corner of the kitchen messaging her temples. My sister and I happened to notice it at the same time, which left us in tears of laughter.

2.) My mom yelling at anyone who walked through the kitchen to "please not come through the kitchen"

3.) My mom asking my dad to cut the turkey five times, then my dad yelling at my mom to tell him when to cut the turkey

4.) My mom rearranging the seating cards and sticking me in the worst seat possible

5.) Being seated in between my uncle and my dad... which leads me to the next highlight.

6.) The "Party Potatoes" which somehow led to my dad making a comment (while I was out of the room) that I had a "party in my pants" (line of the night).

7.) The "what i am grateful for" tradition... which had me in tears, mostly from laughter (or from thinking of my father using the words "party in her pants" in reference to me)

8.) Listening to my cousin's argue about pregnancy, shower dates, caffeine, paint fumes, etc. etc. Oh, and of course when one cousin gave us the chosen middle name for her daughter, which just so happens to be the other cousins first choice of first names if she has a girl. This could be fight of the century!

9.) Madeline in her tights. (that should be at the top of the list)

10.) And most of all, when leaving the festivities, my sister made a comment along the lines of... "why live here when you could be dead." She has been stuck living in my parents house for a few months... as you can tell, it's going well.

All in all, it was a nice holiday. But, it just didn't feel the same. I am really big into tradition, ok, I am obsessively into tradition. This year I knew would be a challenge because it was our first holiday without Mamae (my grandmother). About halfway through the afternoon I realized... we didn't have any bugles and dip. Bugles and Dip are a staple of every single family get together. It was my grandmother's specialty. Even a year ago when she was still alive I vowed to bring the dip to family get togethers for all the years to come! Then, the very first holiday, we all forgot. We even had it as a family after her funeral! I was horrified when I realized we didn't have it. Then, to top off the day of fudging traditions, we forgot to have the traditional napkin fight, which Page has since coined as the "Mary E. Doherty Memorial Napkin Toss". We tried to rally and have it after dessert, but it was mere shadow of what it used to be. We were desperate and used clean napkins. Have you ever tried to ball up a clean napkin... it doesn't work. Sure, it was cleaner, but that is not the essence of the game anyway. We let Mamae down. She was usually the first person to toss a napkin (or to be honest, it would be me throwing one at her because she thought it was the funniest thing in the world). I used to jokingly (half-joking) threaten her that if she didn't bring the bugles and dip to a party, then she couldn't come and that we would drive her back home. And yet, we all forgot. We didn't forget her though. She was definitely in all of our thoughts, as was evident during our "grateful" moments... when I got to be reminded twice that I am the only grand daughter that did not get to tell my grandmother that she would be a great-grandmother again. Part of me wanted to chuck my roll at my cousin in a burst of jealousy as I watched her cry and say how grateful she was that she got to tell my grandmother she was pregnant and how much that meant. I know, its no reason to have a child, but I won't lie, I would have loved to be able to tell her something like that. Oh, that was another thing, my aunt's kitchen is being remodeled so she could not make her standard pumpkin bread. Another staple of thanksgiving... completely dismissed. Replaced with store bought bread. It was a sad, sad day. Thank god all of this didn't happen the same year my mother transformed my childhood bedroom into "her office". That year was a wine-soaked fiasco.

This rambling has gone on long enough. I am off to work on one of my six crafting type projects that I have under way. Tomorrow is the start of basketball season... Watch out for that freshman team, we are going to come and take the middlesex team by storm! I have my brand new whistle ready to go... my try-out agendas... and a ball of anxiety in my stomach as large as a basketball itself! Why am I so nervous for this!> You'd think I was the one trying out... maybe it will be like tryouts when I was a freshman and I got so nervous that I puked. Awesome.

oh no

my "most helpful" ranking just dropped even lower! that's depressing!

If you are fortunate enough to have tomorrow off... Enjoy!

really, lauren>>> Time for a backbone.

i really wish my question mark key worked... I needed to put some question marks after that post title.

So, right now I am sitting on my couch pondering the pathetic delicacy of my ego. I think the fact that I have been eating halloween candy none stop for the past three weeks and am now beginning to see the tangible results, meaning tightened jeans and bloated stomach feeling, is definitely not helping. The big glass of wine beside me is helping though...

One of the most embarrassing examples of the unreasonable level of sensitivity I have would stem from facebook. Ok, yes, I am on facebook. I still have trouble understanding how to use it. I feel like i am missing something. In fact, I am pretty sure there are basic components of it that I have not caught on to yet, but that is besides the point. There is an application where your friends can vote on your strengths and weaknesses. It is a stupid little poll and they have to choose between you and another person for a particular question, for example- most fun to hang out with. Then you'd have a picture of two of your friends, randomly picked, and you chose from that. In other words it is stupid. So, then why do I see my rankings and feel bad about myself> Some of them come as no surprise... I am pretty much last in "most adventurous" and "most out- going", i know, shocking. Most likely to be seen in fleece would be another story. But, I have to admit that I when I see I don't get picked as "hardest worker" or things like about being reliable or trustworthy, I feel bad. Maybe its because I then have to face the truth that at this point in my life, I am lazy. Truly lazy. I wasn't always lazy though! The fact that I even give these stupid rankings a second thought is pathetic. I was disappointed because I've never gotten chosen as "more fun to work with". Hey, I can make fun of the librarian like no one else!

I'm a little embarrassed that I just admitted to how personally I take those facebook polls. I hope I don't get sympathy votes now. haha.

My other example for today is coming from the confrontation I just had with my land lord. My sister just bought a house near by and has been having a lot of construction done, so in the mean time she has been watching her 2 friends children out of my apartment. I did tell my land lord in the beginning, but didn't give weekly updates. Their construction in their house has taken a lot longer than they had anticipated, lucky them getting to live in my sister's childhood room (all three of them in one tiny room) and be entertained my manhattan drinking father. So, today my landlord was here raking some leaves... My sister had the babies, there are 3 total including her own and she has another one of her friends helping her out. One baby in not of walking age and the other one literally sleeps ALL day (its unreal!). Not to mention my sister is so hard core "safety first" i sometimes wonder why she doesnt just wrap all the babies in bubble wrap! So, the other little ones left early and my sister ran out to vote, leaving my niece here with me to play for a bit. All was fine and good... I got some great snuggles today, a few kisses, some "dress up" play, and of course dance moves to Madonna.

My sister leaves and I hear a knock on my door. It's the land lord. Immediately starts in on my that I cannot have illegal day care out of his house, etc etc. I wasn't prepared for this at all. He was pissed! I won't go into the details, but upon his leaving I was proud of myself because... I didn't get upset and start crying. I have this horrible habit of crying whenever I get upset about things, especially when I've been "yelled at". Pretty much if someone says no to me or anything along those lines, I cry. Its SO AGGRAVATING! I am a grown woman, I don't mean to or want to cry, but my eyes just well up. When I get mad, frustrated, stressed, anything really, I cry. But, I didn't tonight. I was rational and listened to him and also told him things that I thought were important and that I think he might have had a misconception of how many children were here, etc. I'm not sure if he was thinking of how small this apartment is! how many kids could there possibly be! So, i held it together... I didn't waver, didn't get the tell-tale tremble of the voice...

Until he left and I texted my sister to tell her. She called me and then, the tears were unleashed. So stupid! It was over. It wasn't a big deal. Tim came home to me on the phone (trying to disguise the fact i was crying) with tissues balled up in my hands. "I don't like getting in trouble... I don't like getting yelled at... I don't like it when people think i did something wrong..." Those were some of the things I was mumbling to him as I tried to explain why on Earth I was crying over what happened. It was his tone... and the way he was looking at me. No, see there I go again!

I'm an emotional person, which to some of you may be a surprise, but to others is probably understatement of the year. But, it gets really frustrating. I think I interpret those types of situations as failure. As letting someone or something down. I can say, "screw it", but emotionally, I guess there is a bigger part of me that holds on to all of that stuff and then snowballs it all together.

On the positive side... my feet are nice and snug. I bit the bullet, along with my partner in crime, and indulged in a pair of Uggs. Now, I know a lot of people think they are ugly. Personally, I am on the fence with that one. Sometimes I think they look silly- mainly the rolled down look or the Uggs with skirts, etc etc. But, ohhh the comfort level. They could be the most hideous things on earth and I would wear them because they are like little slices of furry heaven. I want to sleep in them!

yes, I am straight... BUT...

…I have a definite girl crush on Madonna.

My sister was lucky enough to score two free tickets to the concert last night… and then lucky for me, she asked me to go with her. I have always enjoyed Madonna’s music, in fact my earliest Madonna memory was when the “Material Girl” video came out and I wanted to badly to be Madonna in the pink dress with the big bow on the back being lifted up by a bunch of guys. I may or may not have practiced the Vogue dance in my room on occasion… but I never would have considered myself a huge fan. Until last night.

After a couple of “Material Girl” martinis at the Grande Canal, I knew that it was going to be a good night. Our dinner conversation centered around all of our favorite Madonna songs and the bar was blasting her greatest hits… As my sister, Page, and I got to our seats our excitement was barely containable… The lights dimmed and the goose bumps popped out. It felt like forever before she came out on the stage, just teasing us. At one point I think I may have just started screaming “BRING HER OUT!!!!!” There is no describing the adrenaline that was pumping when the set started to rotate and then we all saw her… strewn across a huge chair with a cane. How much more idyllic can that get. Madonna dancing with a cane… not like an old persons cane with tennis balls on the bottom… My whole body had the chills.

The show was a nonstop dance party. No wonder this woman works out for four hours a day. She is diesel. I never really thought of her as being such a good dancer, but boy can she move. I would have to say my favorite “move” involved something similar to a thrashing- head banging- hair swirling- thrusting- “going nuts” motion. This may not sound very cool, but trust me, in person it makes you want to be Madonna. My other favorite move would be one that was a combination of walking forward while strutting, skipping, and then jumping up and down with her arm raised up in the air (similar to the way you might raise your arm up when dancing to “Jump Around” by House of Pain).

Hits of the night for me: Borderline. She did a rock version of this song that was really cool. Four Minutes. If only J.T. could’ve popped out from behind one of the props could it have been any better. Like a Prayer. Obviously this would be a big one… it also brought along one of the funniest jokes of the night when Page leaned over and said, “For as fast as those dancers are dancing, Danielle still dancers faster than any of them!” We laughed a lot over that one. (Sorry Danielle, you know I love your double time moves!) The opening with Candy Shop, partly because of the pure adrenaline that came with it, was a high light. But, the surprising song that completely blew the both of us away… La Isla Bonita. She had a Spanish Quartet playing with her and Spanish dancers. Then she and the back up dancers did some round dances. Very. Very. Cool.

The people watching at a Madonna concert is another reason to get a ticket. You could pretty much wear anything and fit in. The seat dancing provided lots of entertainment as well. I’m sure there were people laughing at me and my moves as well… Luckily my signature moves, knee bends and pointing guns, doesn’t require a lot of space, so I was all set. Unlike the girl behind me who had the broadest overhead clap I’ve ever seen. She hit my hands a few times. Strange.

So, that is my recap of the evening. It may sound a little pathetic, but too bad, I’m excited. I’ve been to concerts before, but they have been a little more on the mellow side. I never really jumped up and down, singing at the top of my lungs, sweating my butt off at a Sarah McLachlan concert. There is a definite difference when seeing someone like Madonna. The star quality is obvious. Madonna with that cane in the opening… you just can’t beat that. Maybe Sarah McLachlan needs back up dancers, haha. Just a thought.

officially obsessed

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i'm hooked

alright, let's face the facts. The odds of Sarah Palin being able to handle the vice presidency position are much better than the odds of me ever posting things i've written (i.e. poetry) on this blog. However, I did learn about this website, wordle.net the other day. Thanks to Holly Staples, go figure. haha. Anyway. I am now obsessed with converting all my poems into "wordles"... the fonts, the colors, the graphics... this is going to take away the possibility of me ever being productive again... I wish I were kidding... So, enjoy my jubbled poems...

ohhh fun

I need a "seminar"

Once again, I have logged onto the blogger page with the intentions of writing some thought provoking, prolific post... and yet again... I am coming up blank. How can something that once came so easily to me, now leave me completely stumped>

Is it possible to fully describe a feeling> I suppose there are some feelings that you can put words to, or at least you see people that try to. Fall is my favorite season, as I have stated about a million times before, but I have trouble explaining the specific reasons behind all of it. The other day I was out taking a walk and there was something in the combination of the colors of the leaves on a specific tree, the temperature, the slight breeze in the air, and the smell that instantly flooded my mind with memories. It was not one thing in particular, but more so the combination that seemed to trigger all of my senses at once. And this is where I lose any ability to explain what happens... there is a feeling of happiness, a feeling of peacefulness, a feeling of motivation, and a feeling of cleanliness. But, at the same exact time there is a feeling of loneliness, sadness, fear, and (for lack of a better word) misguided motivation.

That doesn't make much sense to people and as I have said already, it is nearly impossible for me to explain as well. But, for as much as I love the fall, it is also a time that brings back a lot of painful memories for me from over the years. All of those things that trigger the positive feelings associated with fall, trigger the difficult as well. I guess what amazes me is how these feelings and thoughts are triggered by something so small and insignificant, you would hardly know it was there. Like a breeze. Or the contrast in the color of the budding orange leaves against the crisp blue sky. That was all it took to put me back to a specific moment in time. Or, moments in time to be more accurate. I have heard many times that smell has the strongest connection to memory. The first time I heard that, I immediately wanted to argue that it was not and that obviously sight or hearing had to be the strongest connector. But, I'm not so sure anymore. Have you ever had that experience where you smell something and you are immediately transported somewhere else> I remember one time in the 8th grade I went to wash my face with my mother's new "fancy" face wash. I unscrewed the bottle and the smell instantly shook me. To me, it was the exact smell of the funeral home we had used a year earlier when my Grandfather had died. There is also a perfume that is so distinct that when I smell it, I am flooded with memories of a certain person. So much so, that for awhile, if I was ever near anyone in public with it on, I had to make a quick exit. You could debate for hours which of the 5 senses connects you most to memories... But, a few weeks ago I seemed to get hit with all 5 of them at once. And what a sensation that is... for better or for worse, who's for sure.

I just finished reading a book that was extremely intense. It was a co-written memoir (mother and daughter) that dealt with the teenagers drug addiction as well as sexual abuse that she struggled with as a child. (Yes, it was a real light- uplifting read) A large part of the book dealt with "inner growth" of both the mother and the daughter during this process of recovery. They both had to attend seminars that got them in touch with who they "really are" and face the lies they constantly told themselves and believed. After reading about the strenuous and emotional "seminars", all I could think of was, "I totally want to do that!"

It sounds like just what I need right now. There was no beating around the bush at these seminars. For each rationalization someone would give for their "behavior" or "personality trait", it was thrown right back at them. Not that I think being picked apart would be extremely fun, but I think it would be an eye opening experience. In the past I have definitely had people straight shoot with me and my usual response is to either completely shut down, get upset- therefore causing them to ease up, or argue everything they were saying and convince myself that I was right and they were wrong. Looking back, they were all right, I just didn't want to accept that they were. The leaders of these seminars didn't back down when someone got upset or felt like they had been pushed to hard. That was usually when they got even more intense.

Why do I want to do this> I'm not sure. Maybe I am mildly driven by intense drama!> haha. No, I think the desire comes from the fact that I have been feeling so disconnected and stagnant in my life. I know for a fact that I tell myself pretty damn good lies. They are so believable! But, how much can that be helping me. I want someone, who knows what they are doing, haha, to look at me and challenge me. I want to resort to my old ways and have someone call me out on that too. The amount of my personal life that I share with people is so little, especially verbally, that sometimes I just feel like I have created this little one-person world think tank. The more I am thinking or feeling, the less I will share. I know that isn't the most efficient way of going through life and it gets lonely. But, learning to reverse years and years of functioning is difficult... and I am always looking for an excuse... so c'mon, send me to some sort of seminar and let someone read my flaws and tendencies and then confront me with them. Some sort of self-discovery sounds appealing right now.

On a happy note, my favorite "fall" Yankee candle is burning and that makes me extremely happy. "Autumn leaves". I love the label. I love the color of the candle. And i loooove the smell. Ahh. Yankee candle makes my world a better place.

Speaking of... one more comment. Has anyone come across the info-mercial for the "back saver, cordless, up-right Shark" vacuum cleaner> I really think I need to get that. Who knew that vacuums could be one of the most exciting things ever! My cordless hand held shark changed my world... I can't imagine what this new one would do... It sucks up metal screws and bolts!

Yep. I think some inner soul searching is need...

is it vacation yet>

Well, school is back into full swing. Yippee-do-dah. *note sarcasm* So, I am wondering when the next vacation is... It can't come soon enough!

In terms of excitement, there is none in my life. Just getting back into the daily grind... however, looking on the bright side, we are entering my favorite season! Fall. I love fall... there is just something in the air in the fall that makes me excited. Maybe it is the anticipation of "Perfect Pumpkin Picking Day" (yes, that is the official title given to the day), which is my favorite day of the year. Each year I go through the same disappointing realization that there is no such thing as the "perfect pumpkin". But, that is ok... once I start with my caramel apple, I usually forget about the pumpkin anyway! haha. This year will be a little different for me, a change of tradition, which for any of you that know me well, would know frightens me. I am big on traditions. I had panic attacks when my sister had to go on with her life and get married, therefore changing holiday arrangements. I can't even go into the Christmas fiasco of '07... I still need counseling for those changes. So, here we are on my most sacred day of the year... and it has to change. Since I was young, my sister, mother and I would go to Arena Farms in Concord to climb on the pumpkins, completely disregarding the sign that clearly stated "Please do not climb on the pumpkins". Last year as if God was answering my secret prayers, my sister asked if Tim and I would like to jump in on their pumpkin day (also at Arena Farms) so that we could see Maddy picking her pumpkin. Hello, dream come true. Unfortunately, Arena Farms is no longer standing. We are left to move on from our traditional pile of pumpkins. Time to branch out and experience what some other farms have to offer. Sure, I have been to some of the different places in the past, but always went back to that pumpkin pile. That pile would have me squealing with joy in the car as soon as I spotted it... Page has some ideas as to where we'll go this year... and it will be great... But, those piles of pumpkins will never be forgotten. I am hopeful, however, that the new place does not have chickens running rampant. That was a major downfall of Arena Farms. It was like they tracked me and plotted against me... blocking access to the trash can when covered in caramel. They always walk just a little too close to me which sets the panic in... damn birds... always ruin a good day!

Let's see... Oh, I am anticipating a lot of excitement and drama in my family as my two cousins are pregnant and due within 3 weeks of each other. These two cousins are the most driven, competitive people I know...and that is mainly with each other. This should be awesome! Im will to bet the one that is 3 weeks behind will somehow will her body into delivering early just to beat her sister on the birth. So great. haha. But really, it is very exciting. Both of them were able to tell my grandmother that they were expecting before she passed away. I am so happy they were able to have that memory with her. I have to admit, my first reaction to hearing they both told her was to cry. Not that Tim and I are wanting to have children right now, but, I felt a sense of sadness of being the only granddaughter to not have that experience with her. I remember the look on her face when my sister told us and then when she met Madeline, and I was truly hoping I'd be able to share that with her as well. I wouldn't say I'm jealous, it just made me feel really sad. It was just another reminder of how much I miss my grandmother.

A few days before the news, I had a really difficult dream in which I was dancing with her at a family party and I was spinning her in circles (she has always loved to dance, especially square dancing, and since i know how to do it, we used to dance out some of the steps and she would be so happy). In the dream, my dad told us to stop because my grandmother was too weak... to this she responded with something hilariously sarcastic about letting her have her fun. Then she just dropped. I held on so she wouldn't hit the floor, but she was gone. It felt so real. I felt her pulse stop and i was just struggling to hold on to her and thinking of the huge smile she had just had on her face. My father just kept saying to me, "Remember that smile on her face and feel comfort that she was so happy at the moment she died." The dream freaked me out because it felt so real. My cousin also had a very strange dream after my grandmother died. It is a long story, but she had complications with her pregnancy and had to go to the emergency room in NH. The doctors at the ER told her that she had miscarried. (this was while she was home for the services, she lives in Florida). After she had gone back to Florida, she went in right away to see her ob-gyn. The night before her appointment she had a dream that my grandmother walked up to her and put her hands on her stomach and told her everything would be ok. My cousin went to the doctors and she was told that she hadn't miscarried, she was misdiagnosed in NH. Crazy.

So, I guess that is all. The dream in combination with feeling "left out" (for lack of a better word) with being able to share something so special and exciting with my grandmother has been a little difficult... but it will ease in time. Its the little things that make the grieving harder as time goes on. In the beginning its natural and expected. But now, I keep thinking I should be over it by now. Talking to my cousin helped because she feels the same way, like we forget that she is gone. I keep thinking, "oh, I have to call Mamae"... Having two additional babies coming into the family will be so nice at the holidays. It is a great distraction and a source of genuine happiness.

Sorry for the dramatic post today...

To all my teacher friends, hope the school year is off to an alright start. I can't wait to catch up with you Melrose deserters to hear about life in other districts. I really wish you guys were able to witness the new librarian. I will take more pictures of the RC decorations. Apparently she has them for every season. Yippeee. She also loves groups hugs. Poor Marie Burke got stuck in two of them on Friday. It is a freak show in there... in other words, entirely entertaining! I look forward to what strange occurrences will take place in that library every day!

Yippeeeeeee for fall!!!!!!

25 Things.

I have seen this on a few different blogs and thought it might be fun... Maybe you'll learn something new about me ;)

1. I am obsessed with my niece... which works out well because we share a co-obsessiveness. I call her an enabler... How can I not be obsessed when she stands at her door and points at her neighbors red car, thinking its mine, and yells "RuRu!!!" at the top of her lungs. RuRu is my nickname... I dont think my sister was kidding when she said she was going to get an electronic fence around the yard of her new house. haha
2. I like even numbers better than odds, unless it is for something along the lines of a list, then it must end in a 0 or 5.
3. I have horrible depth perception in the car. I constantly hit curbs when parallel parking or taking right turns. My poor hubcabs.
4. If I could be a vegetarian, I would be. I am unable to give up chicken though. The longest I made it was two weeks and then my mom made chicken fajitas. Oops.
5. I can't touch glass that has just been washed. It has a squeaky feeling that gives me the chills. I hate it.
6. Along the line of glasses, when I take one out of the cabinet, I have to blow in it. Once when I was little I felt the need to take the glass on the top of the shelf in the very corner and there was a bug in it. It freaked me out, so I blow in them every time.
7. I don't (or very, very rarely) walk on floors without my socks on. It skeeves me out.
8. I can't step on a bathmat when I get out of the shower with wet feet. I always step out onto my towel and then into my slippers or flip flops. It doesnt matter where I am, I can't do it.
9. I sleep in socks. I hate not having my feet covered. Hmm, I never realized all these weird things with my feet. It's been since I was little... when apparently I used to stop what I was doing and claim "sock emergency". That was when my socks got bunched or slipped in my shoe. I still hate that.
10. When I was in elementary school I made posters about littering and hung them up around the school. I can't remember for the life of me what they said right now, but my mom remembered one and when she told me it recently... I was horrified. I was such a nerd.
11. I love doing crossword puzzles even though I suck at them
12. My grammar is horrible. Im embarrassed with each post at the mistakes I make. I'm sure it drives some of you crazy... Especially Gerard and his sister. haha. I read your posts about grammar errors and was like, "oh geez, they must have ulcers after reading my crap!"
13. Apparently if it was as common to label a child with A.D.D. in the 80's as it is now, my mom is certain I would have landed myself a diagnoses back then, as opposed to now. haha. She informed me that among many other embarrassing things I did, that I would fidget so spastically that I would literally fall off my chair. Good lord, I was a spaz.
14. I got a ring stuck in my front teeth when I was about 8 years old. Seemed like a good idea to put the ring in my mouth at the time. Guess not.
15. I came in 3rd, or shot, was it 4th, in the state foul shooting contest when I was in the 8th grade.
16. I am obsessive. My obsessions are extremely varied but range from thoughts, to foods, to objects. To name a few from my past, bagels, lip stick, my bag, sitting at a particular table in the library to study for finals one year, working out, reading, knitting, butterspray, thinking I was going to get hit by another car while I was driving, thinking my house was on fire, thinking a plane or helicopter is going to hit my house, sneakers, being among the first 5 cars at the gym on Saturday mornings, grades, studying, particular grades on things ... it goes on from there. haha. I wont scare you with the rest though.
17. When I was younger I had a teddy bear named "Bunny" (she liked to hop) and wanted to name my home-made cabbage patch kid "Rainbow of my Heart". Either my mom or sister told me that wasn't a name, so I changed it to "Willamina". I was seriously a strange kid. The fact that I had a home-made cabbage patch kid is strange as well. haha
18. I love the rain.
19. I would rather stay home than go out at night.
20. I was a cuddle maniac as a kid
21. I won a coloring contest when I was in preschool. It was one of those where you colored the picture on a paper bag from the grocery store. The day i got it, I went right home and started coloring. My hand started to cramp so I put on mittens and colored until it was done and then made my mom bring me back to the store to turn it in. I guess the obsessiveness started then. haha. We got family tickets to Disney on Ice and as soon as the magic mirror from snow white came out, i was scared shitless and tried to crawl down the row of seats.
22. I have a wild imagination and always believe someone is in my house or trying to break into my house.
23. One of my goals is to be more spontaneous. It isn't going so well.
24. This is my lucky number.
25. I love watching cheezy movies with a glass of wine in my baggy sweat pants. That is my ideal afternoon... and of course it would be raining.

road rage. don't you dare beed at ME!

I just got beeped at, honked at, whatever you would like to call it. The instant someone honks at me, I become livid. It is like, "how dare you honk your horn at me! I do nothing wrong in the car!" Ok, obviously that is not true... but being someone with little (or no) patience, I am not one to hold up a line of cars on purpose. Trust me. I see why road rage happens. I often find myself having to talk myself down or rationalizing why it isn't a good idea to try and ride someone's bumper because they deserve it. I should have a bumper sticker like this avatar, "Don't honk at crazy people"...

I realize that, while the jerky drivers surrounding us are enough to get the mildest tempered person agitated, the real issue here is my temper. I know this. I recognize it. And sometimes, I even try to work on it. Those are most of the steps right there, isn't it> I would not rank my temper as a characteristic I am proud of and most of the time, I think it is childish. Take for example last weekend when I was playing tennis with Tim... my anger outlash brought me to a new level of racquet destruction. Over the years of playing tennis I have been known to get alittle "frustrated" and in response, maybe smack my racquet on the ground. No biggie. Usually the cover guard on the top gets busted, but I can just cover it with some tape-stuff. The other day, however, my temper tantrum (really, that is what it was) came on quickly but with full intensity. There was barely an inbetween... After what was probably my 30th ball into the net, I felt that surge of anger. The one where I just don't even know how to get it out... before I know it, I smash the racquet on the court. I heard a noise I was not familiar with and I thought it sounded funny, but it wasn't until my next stroke that I realized, I had cracked the frame. Way to go Lauren...

That's usually what happens when you have a temper tantrum... you react without thinking and then regret the action.

I have gotten a little bit better over the years of controlling these temper outbursts. In fact, some of you may be thinking, "what temper>" I tend to come off as pretty laid back... which, part of me is, I guess... but it's more that the temper isn't a quality I like to let shine through.

While I am addressing some not-so positive attributes, there is one more thing I would like to mention. My knees. I need spanx for my knees, seriously. They look like an 85 year olds droopy elbows. They have quickly risen on my list of preoccupation. I'll be happily enjoying a tv show and then, there they are, the droopy, squishy, knee rolls. When I am out walking, they kind of, wiggle or jiggle. I know spend 70% of my walk dissecting them (the other 30% staring in Simon's eyes...yes, we tend to walk looking into each other's eyes... haha). Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I couldn't stop thinking about these knee caps of mine and what on earth I could do about them. I think I need a procedure, a modified eye-lift type of deal. Or, I would have to really bulk out my quads, especially the vastus medialis (the inner quad muscle that connects down to the top\side of the knee cap... in other words, the exact location of my 85 year old elbow).

A few months ago, a good friend of mine (and probably my only avid blog reader, haha) commented on having a "fat knee" day. At first, I internally scoffed at this. First, due to the fact that this person is pretty much absent of any body fat what-so-ever, so I thought, how on earth could she have a 'fat knee day' (and yes, i realize that everyone can have days that they feel "fat" or uncomfortable regardless of their size ;) and secondly because i thought, "fat knee day>" what is that... Then I realized, Oh my gosh... this is a term for the loathing I feel of my own knees. I just never realized it could be termed. haha. Just for clarification, her comment did not contribute to my own preoccupation with my knees... it just made me feel like, "hey, other people feel bad about their knees too!" haha. Being a woman, you tend to hear a lot of other women complain about body parts, but usually its hips, legs, stomach, etc... But, knees, not so much. So, i guess hearing it was just... strange... but at the same time something I related to. One more thought, complaint, whine.... I didn't think knees were supposed to get droopy before 30. I feel like by the time I am over 40 I will need to have a little device that holds my knee cap skin up so that it doesn't impede my walking!!!

I hope some of you enjoyed the Love my Doll documentary. I do want to clarify that I was disturbed by the show, but I found it to be so funny, I couldn't get enough. My sister watched five minutes and then called to tell me that both Tim and I are strange and disturbed. I had to disagree. Maybe if I had thought, "Oh, finally, these people understand me!", then I'd be disturbed. haha. But, i had to recommend it for the laugh. It is beyond creepy... which makes me love it that much more. haha.

Anyway. So today's lessons:

1. If you are driving anywhere near me, do not beep at me because I will try to run you off the road! haha...

2. If you dare to play tennis with me, be ready for some really childish behavior, lots of swearing, lots of self-deprecating comments, and I guess entertainment because I look like a tool

3. Spanx needs to develop a special "knee cap" edition to keep those babies tucked and lifted

4. I still think the Doll documentary was the funniest thing ever... in all its horror

i hope he won...

love me. love my doll.

i don't even know where to begin with this... all i can say is if you have on demand... YOU NEED TO GET ON IT!!!! I promise you, you will not be disappointed. go to TV entertainment... then to BBC Reveals...then, love me, love my doll.

there are no words to explain this... well, maybe, "my sweetie is going to be away for some time..." his sweetie, made of latex, is going to a "doll doctor" 5,000 miles away. "when she returns, this will be like a second honeymoon".

This documentary is blowing me away. Tim and I are both open minded, but this has seemed to go beyond the realm of comprehension. I find my myself busting out in laughter... and then feel guilty. I can't help but look at these people and think, "how sad" or "what happened to them that was so bad, that their only love comes from a doll." After the guilt subsides though, I can't get past some of these quotes from the men being interviewed.

I think that tonight, I officially heard Tim laugh the loudest I have ever heard... maybe it was when they had the nipples of the doll blurred out... or maybe it was when one of the men (shown below pouring coffee to his woman) posed on the self timer with his two ladies... there have been too many times to count. Really, you need to see this with your own eyes... http://www.bbcamerica.com/content/245/index.jsp

oh boy, i hope their hair comes out right, i'd hate to get their wrath!

filters and awkwardness

I do most of my thinking at night as I am trying to fall asleep... which would explain why for years I had such a hard time falling asleep! It always amazes me the way in which words come so easily to me during those minutes (or hours depending on the night!). A lot of times I think about "potential blog topics". I also like to "write" poems. I wish I had an internal word memorizer so that I could wake up and see my words printed out... but unfortunately, it is quite the opposite. I can never remember what I came up with the night before.

I figure the reason it is so easy for me to "write" in the comfort of my mind is because I know that no one will ever read it. It is safe. There are no filters, no awkwardness. I wish I could tap into those thoughts and words at times like this, but I can't. Its as if they get locked away.

Social situations have never been my strong point. As I have gotten older, they seem to be getting more difficult. I am overly aware of my poor vocabulary, the amount of times I accidentally cut someone off mid-sentence, the way I am standing or sitting, the expression on my face, and of course the randomness that tends to tumble out of my mouth. This awareness just makes it all harder. I feel as if I must plan out the words that come out of my mouth... all of them. Everything is filtered. Maybe I need practice. To stop all the thinking and just start talking. What is the worst that could happen. I talk alot, don't get me wrong, but when it comes to something with my own opinion or that is something that comes from a personal connection, I lost the ability to communicate. I have always relied on words, writing, to express myself, my true self. And I feel as though I am losing that as well...

Anyway. I found one of these little fill in the blank do-dads. I like to make my kids at school do these types of things :)



I am a person who...

I am a person who would rather sit on my couch in my favorite sweats, with a glass of wine, a good book, candles and my dog than go out to a busy bar.

I am a person that takes things too personally, loves to laugh, and is on a continuous search for the grey areas in life (that darn black and white thinking)

I am a person who does not use coupons (though I cut them out), clean or organize enough, go out of my comfort zone.

I am a person that is bad at at expressing myself, addressing things that need to be addressed, trusting other people, taking corners in my car, saving money

I am a person that has learned the hard way that no matter how much someone believes in a promise they make- they may not hold it, you can love someone or something too much, at sometime everyone you care about will let you down- and you will let them down as well, that there are things you cannot handle by yourself

I am a person that is genuinely happy when I am with my niece, walking with my dog, experiencing the simple things in life that make me smile (seeing a cute older person, people laughing together, etc)

I am a person that is afraid of too many things! haha. If you only knew!

I am a person that believes there is good in nearly all people, even if you don't see it right away; That there are somethings that we will never understand and that is for a reason; That most of the things you will do in your life that truly make a difference- you won't even realize- but someone did.

m.o.t.i.v.a.t.i.o.n.

I am a few weeks into summer and have accomplished 0 of the items on my mental summer "to do" list. Awesome.

Mind you, this list is nothing extraordinary. It had the standard components: organize craft supplies, clean out "spare room", get in decent shape, file pictures... things along those lines. But, here I am, sitting amongst the piles of books, magazines, and other random things I own that should be stored away somewhere...

As a human being, I am prone to usual bouts of laziness, but this seems to be above and beyond.

"i got it"... "i got it too"

The title of this post won't make sense unless you are a part of my family. This is how every phone conversation with my grandmother, Mamae, ends. It has ended this way for as long as I can ever remember. Even last night as I hung up with her and she was too weak to even talk, she sent her kisses through the phone and "i got it" and I sent them back... and she "got it too". Although, in the past year or so, she has added in, "love you forever and ever..."


Since we found out a few months ago that Mamae has terminal cancer I have been trying to deal with the reality of what it all means. Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I had a mental picture of Mamae sitting in her usual "spot" on my Aunt's couch for family holidays, then i tried to picture that spot empty. It is hard to even imagine a gathering without her. She has kept our family together. Her love for her family is something I treasure about her. She never holds in her love. One of her favorite things to talk about, like most proud grandparents, is the love of their grandchildren and family. But, Mamae always includes everyone in our lives. The people we love, she loves. In fact, sometimes I really worry that she is trying to steal Tim away from me! I am not the most outwardly emotional person, though my internal dialogue is beyond dramatic, but when Mamae talks about how much she wishes my grandfather could be around to see his family and how proud he would be of us and the mates we have chosen, it makes my eyes tear.


Over the past week especially Mamae has taken a turn for the worse. Tim and I brought her some McDonalds last week in an unsuccessful attempt to make her eat... My parents are on vacation in California, so I have been trying to step up the contact with her. I called her last night, after not talking to her for 2 days and felt instant panic when I heard her voice on the phone. It was not Mamae. A few years ago, my parents were on a short trip to Maine and Mamae had not been feeling well. I was running late on my way down to RI for a little girls college reunion... and I went back and forth on whether or not I should stop by her house. I decided I should... and thank god I did. I walked into something I will never forget... To make a long story short I ended up taking Mamae to the hospital where she had 2 more heart attacks. I remember my parents convincing me a few days later to meet up with my friends for a little bit... but realized as I was saying goodbye to Mamae it would be the last time. Well, I should've known better, that little firecracker wasn't just going to go lightly. Miraculously, she recovered.


Talking to her last night, put me RIGHT back to that humid, dreary summer day years ago when I was sure I walked in on my grandmothers last moments. However, this time, unlike the past her miraculous recovery is not expected. I am waiting now by the phone for my aunt to call to let me know they are on the way to the hospital. My grandmother lives in an old age home, I think. haha. Im not exactly sure what it is... I tell her its like living in a college dorm. :) There is no medical assistance, its really just an apartment. But, the hospice nurses have been going there to check in on her. But, not after today. After I hung up with her last night, she went downhill even more so. Her hospice nurse was due to visit this morning and immediately called my parents and said they needed to get her to the hospital today. So, I am sitting here, waiting to help my aunt with all of this. I'm not ready to let go of her. As selfish as it sounds and as much as I can say, "she is old and has lived a good life"... I can't accept that.


I realize that every day people die before their time and that my grandmother is fortunate to have lived a long life... but, she is such a special woman. If you meet her, you love her. She has a sense of humor like no other. It is impossible to imagine my life without her... to think of not ending a phone call with "i got it"... "I got it too... I love you forever and ever...and Timmy too"