Gee. Shocking. Haha.

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I'm baaaack

Well,  I'm back.

I'm sure everyone has been on the edge of their seats awaiting some sort of riveting post from me.  I thought today would be the perfect day, as I sit here on my couch still in my pajamas (watching "Center Stage"), with a smelly dog on my lap, and thoughts of school far-far away.  (This day is really going to suck in June when we make it up. boo)

So, I am hobby hunting.  I'm not sure if I really need a new hobby... I already have many and in true A.D.D. fashion I start one and never finish it before hopping on to another...  A couple years ago I went through this same yearning for a new activity, however, this came during the same semester I was in full time grad school, completing my internship in guidance, planning a wedding, and advising the senior class.  Needless to say, I didn't get any further than a few good intentions and googling badminton groups in the greater Boston area (by the way, still extremely interested in badminton...oh, I'm definitely going to google pickleball groups!)  

I could see this hobby/activity endeavor going in a few directions.  I want to try new things. Find something that excites me.  Something that makes me feel good about myself or that I feel successful at.  I realize that nearly all of my hobbies and activities leave me feeling inadequate. Though, what makes me think that a new hobby wouldn't do the same thing?  I guess we'll find out.  This adventure (oooh, hobby adventure, i like that) falls on the tails of my new outlook.  Ok, maybe this new outlook and attitude on life hasn't fully taken hold, but this here may be what I need to ignite myself.  

What is this new outlook, you may ask?  In my last post, I mentioned briefly about the loss of my sister-in-law, Lindsay.  Experiencing the loss of someone so young definitely makes you think about life in a much different way.  I watched my brother-in-law and his family and felt inspired by their love and support for each other, especially during such a devastating time.  I have always admired his family and been envious of how affectionate they are.  They are the type of people that greet you with a huge, two arm, embrace.  They aren't ashamed of kissing or hugging. Letting people know they are loved.  Along with this, they have a sense of togetherness.  Fun seems to follow them.  The more the merrier.  I listened to them reflect on memories of vacations, spur of the moment celebrations, and endless (hysterical) stories and realized that there is more I want to experience in this life.  Being a carbon copy of my father, I tend to limit my experiences due to technicalities.  For example, everything needing to be planned to the last minute (and planned by me).  Or the possibility of sitting in traffic means something is not worth going to.  I could go on for quite awhile, but I'm not so sure I should let everyone into that part of my mind. haha.  Tim and Lizzie (Danielle too, if she reads this?) are probably nodding because they know this part of my mind all too well... or can relate with it ;)   But, getting back to the point, my eyes were opened.  I want to try and change some things... have more fun... be less rigid... try new things even if I can't be in control of every single aspect of it!  So, this hobby adventure is connected.  Where will it lead.  

Here are some ideas.  Art classes of some sort.  I like to make things (enter concerns about finding a hobby that make me feel good about myself) or create things.  Maybe a jewelry making class?  Or, a photography class?   Or even a knitting class.  Well, probably not. :)   The other direction I would take this is by finding a new physical activity.  Part of me would love to play volleyball again.  But, I've done that.  Maybe something new?  I was really interested in getting into racquetball or squash...  Or maybe a kickball league?  

The biggest challenge is going to be moving this beyond good intentions and taking action.  Although, with probing, last week Tim and I did go to trivia at a local bar. That is a good step for me.  It involved going out on a school night (after 4 pm!)  And, I had fun... and will probably go back again this week!  The fact that it was super casual and there were people there in sweat pants definitely helped the scenario!   

So, any suggestions?  Or anyone interested in jumping on this hobby adventure bandwagon?  

been awhile.

It's been awhile since I have sat down and thought about a blog to write. Now that I'm here, I don't even know where to begin.

I was contemplating whether or not to even come back. I'm not sure what purpose this serves. My posts are not about anything particular... if anything they are just a form of a public journal. So, what is the point> (damn, I really wish I had a question mark key that worked.) The inner ramblings of my mind are usually quite comical, at least the things I can hear, however when I sit down to type, it doesn't seem to come out. At any rate, I am back. I figure it can't hurt to write some things out and if someone is bored by it or doesn't want to read it, then they can just click on the little X on the top right corner of their screen and be out of their misery!

The past few months have been a whirlwind here. Some good, some bad, some devastating, some fun. The MHS freshman girls basketball team is taking the Middlesex League by storm. And my what a fierce team they are. ;) It has been an interesting experience to be the head coach of a team, when I have spent all my time thus far as an assistant. It has also been interesting to go from the varsity team to the freshman. If I see one more lay-up smash off the back board or loop up over the backboard, I might literally have a coronary. Just hit the freaking shot already. Sorry, they are the bane of my existence, along with foul shots. Really, are they that difficult!> Apparently in freshman basketball they are. But, it's been a great season. The girls are fantastic, they have fun, they work hard, and we're winning! Thank god! When we were losing to Watertown (no offense Gilly!) during the first game I had images of myself resigning and never showing my face again in the basketball arena. Luckily, we pulled it together. It was a scary few minutes though. It was also during those scary few minutes that I had another one of my "aha moments" , as Oprah would call them...

The thought of losing petrified me. I was standing on the sideline and forced myself to think, "What if you lost>" My stomach started to turn and I felt pure anxiety rush through me. It is a feeling similar to what happened every single time I turned in a paper or exam during grad school. What if I didn't get an A> Then what> The results are somewhat out of my control. That is terrifying. One reason I almost didn't take the position was out of fear of losing. That (and time commitment) is why I passed up the J.V. job. I've lost plenty of times in my life as a player, but over the past years we have won so much. Not to mention, the 9th grade team has gone undefeated for the past few years. So, the fear that a loss would come with me coaching was too much. It's strange the ways in which my perfectionism rears its ugly head. I am one of those people that fears so much of not doing something just right that they won't even start. I have a feeling that losing a game would have the same impact that one of my grad school grades had on me... meaning I never let it go and god forbid anyone brings it up because then it all comes back full force. It's like PTSD! Anyway. I'm special, I know that.

New Years was a blast. Tim and I trekked out to Corning, New York, for the event of the year- The Connor's- Platzer wedding. Other than the wedding itself, the highlight of the trip would have to be when Tim and I were spotted on the street and interviewed for the NY news. Yes, you read that right! Now, let me paint this picture for you. Snowing. Freezing cold temperatures. We had driven 6+ hours the night before, got into town around 11 and headed right to the hotel bar. Woke up the next morning feeling a little "off my game". Just tired, etc, trying to prep for the night ahead. Tim and I head out into the wonderful town of Corning looking for some essentials (like, a hair straightener or curling iron because I left both of mine at home- found a 2-in-1 actually! how perfect!) I looked smashing in my pajama pants, uggs, huge knit hat, and dress coat- and not a stitch of makeup. What a lucky day to get interviewed to be on TV! Seriously! Now, I realize that I am not the type of person that looks impeccable when I go out, but I usually have on mascara with my sweats, or at least a fleece jacket and not some dressy jacket that totally doesn't match! Then during the interview, I completely dropped the ball. First I was trying to take the microphone from the woman, I really thought I had to hold it to talk into it, I didn't realize she was just extending it out for us to talk into! Then, I got nervous and kept looking at Tim... Tim who sounded like he was running for office. It was not a shining moment for me. It reminded me of something that would happen to Bridget Jones. Like that scene when she is sliding down the fire station pole on tv.... yea, along the lines of that. But, hey, whatever! We still got an on the street interview! Who knew Corning was so hopping that they sent news stations out there.

Six months ago, when my Grandmother passed away, people kept saying, "Well, she lived a long good life". I know it was supposed to make us all feel better, but I remember thinking that I was glad she lived a long, good life, but why couldn't she just live a little longer> It is always hard to lose someone you love and care about, however, I now realize more than ever, that there is comfort in knowing that someone has passed after living a full life. This past week has been a difficult one, to say the least. It is hard not to reflect on your own mortality, or how fragile life really is when you experience the passing of someone so young. This is something I will post on in the near future, when I am better able to sit down and organize my thoughts. It is still too fresh.

Simon is hanging in there. Currently his ears are the problem. Its always something! However, the double yeast infections he has there are beginning to clear. It's really lovely. We affectionately call him "Cheese Wheel". That is disgustingly in reference to the smell of his ears. haha. Gross, gross. I know... luckily in all of its grossness we find it funny and somewhat endearing. Oh my little cheese head.

All in all, it's been a rollercoaster around here. I will be updating soon on some of the things I have walked with from everything that has happened in the past week and a half.... Hope everyone is well.

p.s. Tim and I have discussed this and have concluded that if anyone knows someone hiring and can get tim a position, then they will be compensated, or rewarded (whichever word makes you more motivated to achieve) substantially... we were thinking maybe a week long visit from Simon!> cheese ears and all!!!

holiday spirit.

Other than the fact that our Christmas tree is up and my favorite seasonal Yankee Candle is filling the apartment with wonderful smells (balsam and cedar...mmm christmas tree in a jar)... the Christmas spirit is pretty much lost upon me this year.

I don't know why, but I'm just not feeling it. Not yet at least. What I am feeling though is vacation. This school year has been a challenging one. I listen to people's well intentioned advice, to not let certain classes and students get under my skin, but really, so much easier said than done.

I am tired of dreading my classes. I am tired of leaving school feeling like I could snap and burst into tears at any moment. They do get under my skin. Even if I am able to hide it from them (most of the time), they are really getting to me. I just can't shake off the disrespect. It's happened in the past, but not at the frequency it is this year. I almost exploded on Thursday... after I was sworn at by a second student in the same class. I was shaking I was so angry.... Screw them all. I say that, but I don't believe it. I should just let it all go, but I can't.

Basketball season is getting into full swing. It is always tough timing with the holidays... especially these first weeks since there have been a lot of double commitments with the varsity, etc. Hopefully time will start to even out. Some people are really good at being busy. I am definitely not one of those people. Somehow I managed during grad school... especially that one insane semester. But now, not so much. I constantly feel like I am wound too tight. I hate feeling this way... and I hate how it makes me act. I owe Tim a lot of really nice Christmas presents. The stressed out wrath of Lauren is never fun to be around... especially when the Christmas garland on the fireplace continues to fall down.

Tonight is my night off. I'm drinking wine and reading... while also obsessing over the lack of lesson plans I have ready for the week (stress management and mental health... I see great irony in this), the fact that I should have gone to holiday lights with my sister and family, that I have my coaching debut this week, and that there are a million of other things I should be doing.

See You When You're 40

RULES:
1. Put Your iTunes/Windows Media Player/ETC on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Put this on your journal or blog or whatevs.

1) If someone says, "Is this okay?" you say: "Now"
2) How would you describe yourself? "Better Off" (haha, interesting...)
3) What do you like in a girl/guy? "Great DJ" (true, i do like good music!)
4) How do you feel today? "Baby Hold On"
5) What is your life's purpose? "Breathe" (how appropriate)
6) What is your motto? "Get Over Yourself" (hahahaha, that's funny...)
7) What do you friends think of you? "Your Raise Me Up" (really> do i> haha)
8) What do you think of your parents? "CLOWNS!" (HAAHAHAHA. I swear to god that came up next on my shuffle. oh, that is classic!!!)
9) What do you think about very often? "I Get Weak" (everyone should have Belinda Carlisle on their ipod!)
10) What is 2+2? "Without You" (that is a stupid ass question)
11) What do you think of your best friend? "bubbly" (that's cute :)
12) What do you think of the person you like? "Hope for the Hopeless" (haha, hmm.)
13) What is your life story? "Far Away" (oh lordy, this is entertaining... i could read deeply into some of these!)
14) What do you want to be when you grow up? "Waiting for my life to begin" (hmm, eerily similar to how i feel... this is freaking me out a little!)
15) What do you think of when you see the person you like? "Sara" (mmm, not so much true.)
16) What will you dance to at your wedding? "Baby I'm Amazed" (that is the Jem version, that would be pretty, too bad i've been there and done that!
17) What will they play at your funeral? "My Life" (Dido's version, thats interesting too!)
18) What is your hobby/interest? "You Learn" (another strange one! i love learning new things...)
19) What is your biggest fear? "If She Only Knew" (hmm)
20) What is your biggest secret: "Downpour"
21) What do you think of your friends? "Let Me Let Go" (no!)
22) What song would you play during your first kiss? "Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop" (that'd be a good one to play in a movie ;)
23) What will you post this as? "See You When You're 40"

darn garland. and a party in my pants.

It really frustrates me that my decorative garland doesn't stay up on my mantle. I even put nails in it this year... who knew garland was so resistant.

Holiday decorating tends to stress me out, probably because my decorating sense is none existent. My house never looks like a page out of a pottery barn catalogue. I wish it would. I am so envious of people who are able to put things together like that. If and when tim and I ever get a house, I will definitely be hiring one of my friends to decorate for me. I feel so pathetic when I try to put out decorations and it looks like an A.C. Moore clearance rack. My drooping garland right now is like a blatant lit up reminder that I suck at interior decorating.

Along the lines of decorating, I changed the color background of this blog, which you have probably noticed. It needs some sort of makeover. The other colors were too summery... but once i started switching the colors around i got overwhelmed and left them as they are now, which is still pretty summery. I could spend hours picking out the colors and driving myself nuts... but I am choosing not to.

My favorite holiday of the year has come and gone. This year it seemed to go by extra quickly, maybe that is because two of my cousins are pregnant so they were not drinking. It was actually a pretty sober turkey day for the doherty family. Strange. Here are some of my highlights from thanksgiving:

1.) Seeing my mother completely stressed out and standing in the corner of the kitchen messaging her temples. My sister and I happened to notice it at the same time, which left us in tears of laughter.

2.) My mom yelling at anyone who walked through the kitchen to "please not come through the kitchen"

3.) My mom asking my dad to cut the turkey five times, then my dad yelling at my mom to tell him when to cut the turkey

4.) My mom rearranging the seating cards and sticking me in the worst seat possible

5.) Being seated in between my uncle and my dad... which leads me to the next highlight.

6.) The "Party Potatoes" which somehow led to my dad making a comment (while I was out of the room) that I had a "party in my pants" (line of the night).

7.) The "what i am grateful for" tradition... which had me in tears, mostly from laughter (or from thinking of my father using the words "party in her pants" in reference to me)

8.) Listening to my cousin's argue about pregnancy, shower dates, caffeine, paint fumes, etc. etc. Oh, and of course when one cousin gave us the chosen middle name for her daughter, which just so happens to be the other cousins first choice of first names if she has a girl. This could be fight of the century!

9.) Madeline in her tights. (that should be at the top of the list)

10.) And most of all, when leaving the festivities, my sister made a comment along the lines of... "why live here when you could be dead." She has been stuck living in my parents house for a few months... as you can tell, it's going well.

All in all, it was a nice holiday. But, it just didn't feel the same. I am really big into tradition, ok, I am obsessively into tradition. This year I knew would be a challenge because it was our first holiday without Mamae (my grandmother). About halfway through the afternoon I realized... we didn't have any bugles and dip. Bugles and Dip are a staple of every single family get together. It was my grandmother's specialty. Even a year ago when she was still alive I vowed to bring the dip to family get togethers for all the years to come! Then, the very first holiday, we all forgot. We even had it as a family after her funeral! I was horrified when I realized we didn't have it. Then, to top off the day of fudging traditions, we forgot to have the traditional napkin fight, which Page has since coined as the "Mary E. Doherty Memorial Napkin Toss". We tried to rally and have it after dessert, but it was mere shadow of what it used to be. We were desperate and used clean napkins. Have you ever tried to ball up a clean napkin... it doesn't work. Sure, it was cleaner, but that is not the essence of the game anyway. We let Mamae down. She was usually the first person to toss a napkin (or to be honest, it would be me throwing one at her because she thought it was the funniest thing in the world). I used to jokingly (half-joking) threaten her that if she didn't bring the bugles and dip to a party, then she couldn't come and that we would drive her back home. And yet, we all forgot. We didn't forget her though. She was definitely in all of our thoughts, as was evident during our "grateful" moments... when I got to be reminded twice that I am the only grand daughter that did not get to tell my grandmother that she would be a great-grandmother again. Part of me wanted to chuck my roll at my cousin in a burst of jealousy as I watched her cry and say how grateful she was that she got to tell my grandmother she was pregnant and how much that meant. I know, its no reason to have a child, but I won't lie, I would have loved to be able to tell her something like that. Oh, that was another thing, my aunt's kitchen is being remodeled so she could not make her standard pumpkin bread. Another staple of thanksgiving... completely dismissed. Replaced with store bought bread. It was a sad, sad day. Thank god all of this didn't happen the same year my mother transformed my childhood bedroom into "her office". That year was a wine-soaked fiasco.

This rambling has gone on long enough. I am off to work on one of my six crafting type projects that I have under way. Tomorrow is the start of basketball season... Watch out for that freshman team, we are going to come and take the middlesex team by storm! I have my brand new whistle ready to go... my try-out agendas... and a ball of anxiety in my stomach as large as a basketball itself! Why am I so nervous for this!> You'd think I was the one trying out... maybe it will be like tryouts when I was a freshman and I got so nervous that I puked. Awesome.

oh no

my "most helpful" ranking just dropped even lower! that's depressing!

If you are fortunate enough to have tomorrow off... Enjoy!